Witty Words Wednesday #3

“If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.”

~ Woody Allen

Meet Wilda

On the advice of an ever faithful reader, Lesli, (who incidentally brought a smile to my tear stricken face more times than I can count in the "early days") I decided to do a bit of updating to the blog. I have a new blog description, a new "about me", and even a new name - Wilda, which was the brainchild of another faithful reader, Blm Mom #2. So, what do you think of the changes?

UPDATE
Question: "Where does the name 'Wilda' come from?"

Answer: Hmmm, well I didn't come up with it but I guess I was thinking that "Wilda" comes from Bewildered, as in the middle... WILD with an “a” at the end rather than an “er”. Blm Mom #2, am I correct?

Life Is About the Journey ~ 100th post!!

It’s hard to believe that this is my one hundredth post. When I started this blog it was to be my place of solace – a place to express my feelings, vent my frustrations, and plead for prayer in hopes that divine intervention would save my marriage. While it certainly was all of those things, it ended up being so much more. I truly believe this blog is what saved me from loosing my mind – it was the counselor that I didn’t go to and the comments written by all of you were the healing words that helped to mend my heart. What I didn’t realize at the time that I started this blog, which I now truly do understand, is that this is what was supposed to happen in my life. When all of you were lifting me up in prayer, God was healing me and helping me to better trust His plan for my life, which had nothing to do with saving my marriage. For quite some time “planner me” had a difficult time accepting this, but once I did I gained greater clarity than I could have ever hoped for.

I have just spent the last several hours rereading every single post and each and every comment ~ what a journey it has been! I truly feel that I am at a place where I could stop blogging and be okay, since my purpose for writing no longer exists. However, knowing that each and every day there are people who find themselves in the situation I was in on the day this blog began, I feel called to continue. Life may never be exactly what we expect of it, but that’s why it truly is a journey. While I still invite all of you join me as I put the shards of my once broken life back together, I know that “back together” will look nothing like it did before the explosion, nor would I hope for it to. My blog is no longer about putting a broken marriage back together, but rather forging ahead. It’s about me and my new life - nearly 30, nearly divorced, and nearly okay!

Sassy Song Sunday: Best Days of Your Life by Kellie Pickler

With two family Christmases down and one more today, Soon-To-Be Mr. Ex has come up several times in conversation. Regardless of which side of the family I was with, the overwhelming sentiment expressed by my relatives seems to be the same… Soon-To-Be Mr. Ex will regret his decision one day. With that thought in mind, I give you today’s sassy song - Best Days of Your Life by Kellie Pickler.

Flashback

Due to “peer pressure” from a few of my coworkers I just started reading the book Twilight by Stephenie Meyer. As shocking as it may sound (and yes, my three high school age cousins were shocked), I have never seen the movie nor did I ever have a desire to. I am only on page 40, so I can’t really give a review at this point, only to say that it is defiantly getting me into teenage girl mindset. As I sit here on my parents couch, Twilight on my lap, I feel as though I am having a flashback to the late 90’s. I took several creative writing courses in high school and used to write a lot of poetry, part of my teenage angst I suppose. I no longer have copies of the poems and honestly remember very few; however, there are some that stuck with me. For your reading pleasure, a flashback into my teenage girl mind:


Prince of Shattered Hearts

You’re the player of all players.
You’re the prince of shattered hearts.
You’re the god who crushes all the girls,
I knew it from the start.
I went ahead and fell for you,
Although I don’t know why.
I guess it must have been the sweet way
That you spoke the lie.
So now I sit here all alone,
Feeling oh so blue.
And you’re out with another girl,
And soon you’ll play her too.
But I think you better wakeup,
Cause soon your gonna find.
A girl who acts the same as you,
And likes to mess with minds.
This girl, she’s gonna knock you down,
And me, I’m gonna smirk.
Cause then you’ll know just how it feels
To have fallen for a jerk.

Where I'm Supposed To Be

I am a horrible gift wrapper, so often times I will use gift bags. Last night I was putting something into a gift bag that I was reusing from last year and the tag said: from Bewildered & Soon-To-Be Mr. Ex. I started at it for a moment, struck by the fact that a person can be in your life one minute and then gone in the next. Then I quickly ripped off the tag and threw it away. It’s kind of odd because I expected to feel sad at Christmas, but here I sit on Christmas Eve morning and I don’t feel sad at all. Oddly enough, I even feel a little joyful. I don’t believe in coincidences – God has everything planned for us. This is exactly what was supposed to happen and I am exactly where He wants me to be. How can I be sad about that?

Breaking the News

I decided last week that it was time to tell the parents of my students that I was getting a divorce. They had known something was going on, based on the number of absences I had when I first found out of Soon To Be Mr. Ex’s transgressions and many had asked if I was okay. At the time I simply said that I was fine and to please respect my privacy; I told them that in time I would let them know what was going on. Here is what I wrote in my final classroom newsletter of 2009…

In late August I learned that my husband of seven years had been having an on-going relationship with a female coworker. Despite my desire for reconciliation, rooted firmly in a strong faith in God and His plan, we were unable to save our marriage and in mid September filed for divorce. While I had hoped for a speedy resolution which would have made our dissolution final prior to the first of the year, this has not been the case.

Thank you so much for all your prayers over the past several months, particularly when you had no idea what was actually going on. Please continue to pray. With no family in the area, your children have truly been a source of comfort and joy to me during this trying time. This is not something I have discussed with the students, I will leave it up to you what (if anything) you would like to tell them.

Sassy Song Sunday: Cowboy Casanova by Carrie Underwood

It seems everywhere I turn these days someone is saying to me, “oh I have the perfect guy to set you up with”. Today’s song, Cowboy Casanova by Carrie Underwood, is great advice as I venture into this new stage of life!

How Life Can Change

It’s never more obvious that you are getting divorced until the holiday greeting cards begin coming in addressed to one or the other but not both of you. What’s even odder are the cards that come in still addressed to the two of you… someone needs to clue those people in! The other day, as I addressed my own Christmas cards, I had a very surreal moment glancing over the list from last year to determine who I would send cards to. I know this is what everyone says after a life changing event, but truly if you would have told me at this time last year that by this Christmas my husband would have committed adultery and we would have filed for divorce, I would have laughed out loud. In fact, I would have laughed so hard I probably would have wet my pants! I would now have that exact same reaction if you told me we would ever get back together again… my, oh my, how life can change on a dime.

Witty Words Wednesday #2

“Exes are like Slinkies, they are no fun until you push them down the stairs!”

~ Anonymous

31 Days (and counting)

In 31 days I will turn 30. I used to think 30 sounded so old, and I guess maybe I still do since I often refer to it as “twenty-ten” (it sounds less daunting that way, LOL!) This is not exactly the plan I had for my life or the place I thought I would be in at 30, but it is and that’s okay. With that said, I don’t ever want to have regrets which is why I need some input. For those of you who are already 30, what’s the one thing (big or small) you wish you would have done in your 20’s that you didn’t get accomplished? For those who aren’t yet 30, what’s the one big thing you want to do before you get there?

Sassy Song Sunday: Famous in a Small Town by Miranda Lambert & Small Town by John Mellencamp

In light of previous posts this week, today’s Sassy Song Sunday is all about me. I had a really difficult time selecting a song, so I went with two… one country (which I love and belted out in concert with my “microphone” ~ great memories C & C) and the other a little classic rock, which I grew up listening to and always makes me think of my dad. Here’s to family, friends, and perseverance. Here’s to small towns!

Superwoman of the Snow (part 3)

Oddly enough not long after my second post last night my dad called to see how my shoveling had gone. I immediately burst into tears and told him all about my frustrations, to which I got his infamous suck it up pep-talk. Now, usually when my dad goes into his football coach mode it upsets me even more, but this time it was exactly what I needed. This morning I marched back outside, shovel in hand and quickly reclaimed the path I had made the day before. Then this evening Soon To Be Mr. Ex showed me how to use the snowblower and get this… I did the rest of the driveway and all of the sidewalk (which is a big deal since we live on a large corner lot) and I actually thought it was super fun! The small town girl in me prevailed and I truly do feel like Superwoman. After all, if I (queen of girly girls) can shovel and use the snowblower, I can do anything. Bring it on world!!!

Superwoman of the Snow (part 2)

Well, I’m not feeling all that much like a Superwoman anymore. The snow has all drifted back into the driveway (in some spots now higher than before I even shoveled) and I am feeling grumpy and frustrated. It’s now dark and cold – very cold, and I do not want to go back out there again, particularly with only a shovel (damn the complicated snowblower!!!) And here’s the real kicker… Soon To Be Mr. Ex called again a little bit ago and when I saw his number pop up I actually thought he was calling to say the roads weren’t too bad and he was going to come home tonight rather than stay with her again and I felt relieved because I knew the snow would get removed! But, in actuality he was calling to say he was taking $100 out of the bank account. I am feeling very alone right now and am having a total “I hate my life” moment!

Superwoman of the Snow

We had a fairly significant snow storm yesterday with blowing snow and blizzard like conditions today. As a result Soon To Be Mr. Ex did not come home last night and he called earlier today to say he would not be home tonight either. I’ll be honest, I was happy that he wasn’t coming home, but it also meant that for the first time in my nearly 30 years of life, I was going to have to do snow removal. I briefly considered calling someone whom I could pay to come over and do it, but then I decided that I was going to do it myself, if nothing else simply to prove that I could. Plus, we have a snowblower and I’m a highly educated woman, so how hard could it be? Well sadly, even a masters degree cannot help you figure out how to run a snowblower (I’m a bit embarrassed that I just admitted that... if anyone can come over and show me how to use it, I would REALLY appreciate it!!) so I had to use the trusty shovel instead. I called my dad and got some advice and then set out on my “adventure”. Despite the fact that I live on a corner lot, my only goal was to do the driveway and I am proud to say that I DID IT!! Granted, the snow is still blowing around like crazy so I am going to have to go do it again later, and it certainly is not perfect but the point is that I did it… I feel like some sort of Superwoman of the Snow (hopefully my hard work does allow me to actually get out of the driveway in the morning)!

Too Small Town

Do you suppose that being raised in a small town makes you different than someone who’s raised in the city regardless of where you live as an adult? Soon To Be Mr Ex told me the other evening that I was “too small town”. I’ll admit it, I do have some quirks (I think they are part of my charm, LOL) and when they come out I joke, that it’s the small town girl in me. The thing is anyone from a small town can relate to these quirks where perhaps someone from a city cannot. Yes, I worry about how things look, what people think, and I’ve been known to get caught up in gossip more times than I can count. But, I would also argue that there are extremely positive things that I attribute to being raised in a small town too… I am close to my immediate family – I speak with them multiple times a week and even have fairly regular contact with my extended family too (gasp!!) I am friendly and trusting – I will speak to people on the street, wave to acquaintances, and until I went to college had never worried about locking my doors… yes, I’ve even been known to leave the car running as I jet into the grocery store or post office! I have conservative values – I believe in family time, dinners together, traditions, and prayer. Not to mention all the random things I’ve learned from growing up in a small town… I know how to drive on gravel, ride a horse (thanks Blm Family #2 for teaching me), what all four H’s in 4H stand for, and I can “make do” when a recipes calls for something I don’t have and the grocery store is already closed! By no means am I implying that if you’re from the city you don’t have these “small town” charms, but in the case of Soon To Be Mr. Ex, he did not.

Although I am not entirely sure what being “too Small Town” means, I am a small town girl at heart and that’s okay with me. Not long after all of this began, when I was trying to sort it out and for the life of me could not understand how someone would walk away from a seven year marriage without a second thought, my aunt said to me, “He’s from the city, he’s not small town – he doesn’t think like us.” The thing is, she was right ~ way to call it SJ!

The Battle

Have you ever had a question that continues to run through your mind again and again until it takes on a kind of life of its own? It creeps out of your mind and into your mouth and sits right on the tip of your tongue, smoldering – daring you to give it a voice. Part of you wants to take the dare, but another part of you is challenging yourself not to. It’s one of those what is this questions: Option A… Option B… or something in-between, a sort of Option C? You tell yourself over and over that it really doesn’t matter which option it is, but yet if it doesn’t matter then why not just ask the question? Is it because you yourself don’t know which answer you want or is it because you actually do know and that’s why you don’t want to ask? I would say in most cases, at least for me, it’s the latter. I feel as if Type A Girl and her alter ego, New Me, are having some type of intense battle, each is provoking the other but neither is making any sort of advance on their opponents ground.

Sassy Song Sunday: To Be With You by Mr. Big

Do you have an all-time favorite song? You know, one that you crank up each time you hear it on the radio and then you sing it at the top of your lungs? One that every time you hear it at a wedding reception you get all excited and drag your date to the dance floor? I think everyone has one of these “secret songs” (whether they want to admit it or not, LOL) – mine is To Be With You by Mr. Big. In fact, when I was in middle school one of my friends and I both loved this song, along with (Everything I Do) I Do For You by Bryan Adams, so much that we used to take turns calling into a local radio station and requesting them for each other (shout-out to you, Popsicle!!) Anyway, as I sit here listening to Mr. Big's words, they are actually quite applicable to my life… now all I need is a guy who will serenade me!

O Christmas Tree

Well, it’s certainly not the big Christmas tree that I usually have, but it’s a tree none the less. This is actually the “snowman tree” that I usually put in the entryway along with my colossal collection of snowmen, hence the other snowmen items I got out. Although it is somewhat of a “Charlie Brown tree” (note its lopsidedness), I still think it’s cute. What do you think? (Oh, and sorry, I couldn’t get the cat to get out of the picture… she loves “her” Christmas tree!)

Witty Words Wednesday

I love quotes (must be the teacher in me) and have come across some really great ones over the past several months. Some deal with divorce, exes, and spite, while others refer to love, lust, and loneliness. So, I give you the first installment of Witty Words Wednesday…


"For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something. You want it to be with someone you can’t get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch you feel it everywhere – a kiss so hot and so deep you never want to come up for air.”

~ Dr. Alex Karev
Grey’s Anatomy

Getting More Specific

Recently I described the “perfect man” that I am looking for. Just for kicks, I decided to get more specific. I know that I will likely never find a man that encompasses the five things that I am truly looking for (noted in "What I'm Looking For”) as well as all (or even 50%) of these things but a girl can dream, right!?

In addition to the five “must haves” I also want someone who posses at least a few of these characteristics…

* Enjoys spending time together doing “nothing”. (This is a biggie because honestly, it’s the small things in life that make me the happiest!)

* Likes to travel. (I love traveling, whether it’s a weekend getaway, or a full fledge vacation; Soon To Be Mr. Ex never enjoyed this.)

* Buys me flowers now and again. (In nine years, I received flowers from him once, which is sad because he knew how much I love flowers and truly would have preferred those to other more expensive gifts.)

* Likes to cook ~ or at least has a willingness to do it with me. (I love to cook and think it would be really fun to do it together!)

* Likes to go out to eat. (Although I love cooking, I also enjoy going out to eat. Soon To Be Mr. Ex didn’t enjoy this too much ~ odd, I know!)

* Likes movies. (Watching movies is one of my favorite things to do, whether it’s in the theater or at home on DVD – Soon To Be Mr. Ex was never all that into watching movies together.)

* Likes to play cards. (Okay, this one is silly. However, my family has this card game that we always play – very cut-throat, hahaha. Soon To Be Mr. Ex rarely played this game willingly and when he did play he acted as though we were torturing him.)

* Opens doors for me. (I admit it, this one is totally cheesy but I am a romantic and would love a guy who opens doors… car doors, restaurant doors - any doors)

* Someone who likes baseball – it is my favorite sport and America’s pastime for Pete Sakes! (If I took this a step further I would say if he would be a St. Louis Cardinals fan that would rock, but clearly I’ve made exceptions in this area in the past.)

* Someone who wears a uniform! (Oh yes, I am a sucker for a uniform!! My first choice would be a cop, but heck – I even think the UPS guy is hot in his uniform so really any will do!)

The Radio

As I traveled over Thanksgiving weekend, I listened to the radio. I realize many of you are wondering what's the big deal about this, after all most people do listen to the radio when they travel. However, I have not listened to the actual radio for nearly three months. It was like every song was tied to a memory of the past nine years and I just couldn’t hear those songs without becoming emotional (sad, angry, annoyed, etc.); therefore, I have only been listening to the CD that my brother made for me. I realize I sound like somewhat of a nut but it felt so “freeing” to be able to listen to the radio again and not get emotional about it. I guess the joy of life is found in the small things. Yay for me!!

Sassy Song Sunday: Obla Di Obla Da by The Beatles

Today’s song is Obla Di Obla Da by The Beatles. Recently when I was home for Thanksgiving I ran into a former coworker (shout-out to Gas N Mor) who had just found out about Soon To Be Mr. Ex’s infidelity and our pending divorce. She was so sad – tears in her eyes and telling me over and over how sorry she was. It was so sweet because I know that she genuinely meant this from the bottom of her heart. But, it was also comical because I ended up comforting her - hugging her and telling her not to cry because I was fine and everything really was okay. Life goes on!

Family Traditions

I love traditions! In my eyes they symbolize strength and continuity, connecting both the past and the present in an unbroken bond. My love of tradition transcended into my marriage. I wanted to continue the traditions instilled in me growing up and also build traditions that belonged to Soon To Be Mr. Ex and I that we would pass on to our children. One of the traditions that my family embraced growing up that Soon To Be Mr. Ex and I also did was to put up our Christmas tree on Thanksgiving weekend. This is a tradition I have carried out every year of my life for the past 28 years and this year, for the very first time, I am not doing it. Soon To Be Mr. Ex does not want to put up a tree this year. Part of me wants to say “screw you” and put it up anyone, but another part of me wonders what the point of putting it up would really be.

Dating At 30

Okay, I’m not actually 30 yet but with less than two months until the big day, I’m certainly knocking on the door! What exactly constitutes “dating” when you’re 30? I haven’t been on an actual date (you know - where you worry about what to wear and say and whether or not there is food in your teeth) for nine years. Nine years! I don’t even remember how to flirt – yikes! Plus, I’m thinking that dating at 30 is very different than dating at 20, simply because you are at a different place in life. Dating at 20 was full of parties and bars and doing very stupid things! I’ll be honest – that was really fun; however, I don’t want to do that anymore. Not that I’m saying I don’t drink (those who know me and my love of martinis and wine are laughing out loud at that implication). I am just saying I am at a more settled place in life than I was back then. I know I am totally over thinking this, but that is the Type A girl coming out in me (despite my attempts at silencing her)! Remember months ago when I said that I did not want to be in this “starting over” place in life? I could not have been more wrong! I am beyond thrilled to be here… I’m just not sure how to proceed.

Happy 23rd of the Month!

Wow – three months today! I remember, when this all “began” people would tell me that I was lucky that I found out when I did, rather than ten years from now or after we had kids. I would smile politely, nod my head and say “yah, I know” but really I was secretly cursing the person in my head. (Sorry, but I was.) I can tell you now with absolute certainty that those people were 100% correct and I am now saying the same thing! Recently I was speaking to someone whom I’ve met since all of this started and the person, whose sibling has gone through a somewhat similar situation, commented that they were amazed by how “normal” and “not soured” I was. How funny, is that!? The truth is there is absolutely nothing that excuses infidelity; what Soon To Be Mr. Ex did was wrong – in my eyes and God’s. However, what’s done is done. Plus as I have said from day one, I believe wholeheartedly that everything happens for a reason, even when we don’t understand what the reason is. The reason is now clear as a bell. Soon To Be Mr. Ex and I wanted very different things out of life and in all probability our marriage would have ended due to those differences (i.e. I wanted kids and contrary to what he was telling me, he didn’t) once they had been revealed even if he had never had an affair. So what good does it do me to be a Man-Despising-Marriage-Hater? Not much! Its funny how once you move into true acceptance, the anger just vanishes and you can welcome your new life ~ whatever it brings, even if it’s different than “the plan”. Happy (yes HAPPY) 23rd of the month!!!

Sassy Song Sunday: These Boots Are Made For Walking by Nancy Sinatra

Today’s song is These Boots Are Made For Walking by Nancy Sinatra. While 100% applicable to the situation, this one is really all about me. I am a firm believer in “retail therapy” and have always wanted a pair of high heeled black boots ~ the really sexy ones that zip up to your knee. Recently I bought myself a pair and wore them out for the first time this weekend. They make me feel HOT and I recommend every woman get themselves a pair. So, here’s to my boots!

Girls Weekend

I’ve heard from some of my regular readers (you know who you are – LOL!!) that I have been slacking on my posting. I’ll admit it, I have. So, this week I will do my best to update you on some of the things that have been going on with me…

I had a wonderful girls weekend last week ~ shopping, lunching, an amazing massage (thank you SJ for treating), and a hilarious evening at the Blue Moon Dueling Pianos Bar. One of the things they do at the bar is post a “phrase of the night” on a mirror behind one of the pianos. The first phrase costs $1 and then you have to pay one dollar more to change the phrase each time. During the evening we had a good riddance toast (with super yummy martinis – I highly recommend the “parrot”, or what others might call the “patriot” hahahah) to Soon To Be Mr. Ex and then a few of my pals paid to have this put up as a surprise for me…




(Thanks ladies for keeping the humor train moving!!)

The Answers I’ve Been Waiting For

Soon To Be Mr. Ex and I sat down this evening to discuss a proposed divorce settlement (we are trying to settle rather than go to court). In addition to the financial discussion, we also talked (I mean really truly talked) for the very first time since this all began.

I said a lot of the things that I have wanted to say and to an extent finally got some of the answers I have longed for. I told him many of the things that I had realized about our relationship (noted in post “In Love with the Dream”) – and he felt remarkably similar. I went on to say though that this DID NOT IN ANY WAY excuse his actions and that it was “very hurtful” that he had an affair rather than just talking to me about how he felt. He said that he understood that and that he would handle things differently if he were to do it over. (Not exactly an apology, but probably the closest I will ever get.) He also admitted many of the things I had speculated about… he had no intention of me ever finding out about his affair and that he had been “living in the moment” and did not go into his relationship with her with the intention of getting a divorce from me. I talked about the fact that I felt like he had been living a double life and that I couldn’t understand why he continued to plan for a future with me if he was so unhappy. He said that it wasn’t that he was unhappy but that he doesn’t think marriage is right for him (odd that it took him 7 years of marriage to figure that one out) and that he can’t see himself ever getting married again. The real stunner was that he didn’t want kids and that even though he had thought he did when we got married, he realized later that he actually didn’t. Wow!!

It’s kind of strange but I now have such a feeling of peace.

Divorce Cake

One of my very favorite shows is Cake Boss on TLC. It amazes me what Buddy and his staff can do with cake! I recently stumbled upon “Divorce Cakes”. Although this is not a Carlo’s Bakery creation, it’s still a pretty good one!

Sassy Song Sunday: Goodbye Earl by The Dixie Chicks

Today’s song is Goodbye Earl by The Dixie Chicks. The video makes me laugh, but since I couldn’t post it I found this one with a group of friends making their own spoof and lip-syncing – very funny! Whether he is a beater (like "Earl") or a cheater (like Soon To Be Mr. Ex) I certainly DO NOT advocate “offing” the guy! This song to me is about friendship – the friends that are there for you when you really need them just like Mary Ann is for Wanda. So I want to take a moment to say THANK YOU to all my Mary Anns!!

What I’m Looking For

In light of my recent self-revelation, I decided I should probably figure out what it is that I’m really looking for. Every female has a picture of their “perfect man” – it might be that they have a specific look or certain personality traits, or a combination of the two. As I evaluate my life and think about what I truly do want in a man, I’ve realized that there are five things that I am looking for…

1) A nice guy ~ but not one who is all Mr. Rodgers. I want someone who is both a “mans man” when he’s with his buddies and a give you the shirt off his back kind of person. (Do guys like this exist in real life or only in the movies?)

2) Someone who makes me laugh.

3) Someone who values his family.

4) Someone who likes kids.

5) Someone who is ambitious with a passion for life.


Pretty simple, don’t you think? (If you know any single guys in the age range of 29-39 who meet these "criteria", please send them my way!)

So, my dear readers, is anyone else up for describing their “perfect man”?

In Love with the Dream

I was home sick today, which left me with lots of time for reflection. Here is what I realized… There is a distinct difference between loving someone and being in love with them and honestly, I don’t think I have been “in love” with my husband for some time. (Incidentally, I no longer like referring to him as “my husband”, so let’s call him “Soon To Be Mr. Ex”.) Let me be completely clear, I believe strongly that marriage is about a commitment and I was and would have remained 100% committed to my marriage and Soon To Be Mr. Ex until the day that I died. I am not ashamed to say that I wholeheartedly wanted to work things out with him and I was committed to doing so if he would have agreed. I would have never done what he did and, while I am no longer angry I am not yet in a place to say that I can forgive him for his actions. However, I have gained the ability to step back and look at the situation for what it is. At some point you have to ask yourself when do you stop wishing your significant other would act a certain way or be a certain way. When do you realize that you either accept the person for who they are/have become or you move on. You cannot force someone to be a person that they are not, that’s not fair to them or to you. In college Soon To Be Mr. Ex and I made a great couple, we had fun and life was easy. But as the years have passed we have become less and less of a “perfect match”. Quite honestly, I often found myself wishing he were someone else – not in the way that I had a certain person in mind, but in that there were certain characters and actions that I longed for in my mate as I got older, which he simply didn’t possess. If I can say I feel this way, I have no doubt that he's had some of these same feelings as well.

I have realized that, while I may no longer have been in love with Soon To Be Mr. Ex, I was in love with the dream. It’s no secret, I am a Type A personality – I always have a plan and it’s hard for me to deviate from that (while “new me” is certainly trying to embrace spontaneity and realize that it is OK not have a plan for everything in life!!!) I was in love with a dream that I thought we were both living, but in truth that’s not the case. I was in love with something that didn’t truly exist and admitting that makes me feel very powerful! I can tell you with absolute certainty, while this was not “in the plan” I now am beginning to believe that it was the best thing that could have ever happened.

The Name Game

Well, dear readers, you’ll all be glad to know that I have made a decision in the great debate over keeping my married name, which we will call “Waechter” or taking back my maiden name, which we will call “Smith”.

I appreciate all of you who weighed in on the issue and gave your two-cents. I considered each of your opinions as I tried to decipher my own. One commenter asked me to consider which name I was more proud of. Quite honestly, I have done nothing to dishonor either name – I feel proud of myself as both names. Oddly enough, I associate the name “Waechter” with my “teacher self” rather than my “married self”, perhaps because in “teacher world” I am known more by my last name than my first.

However, what it came down to was this… I am obviously not looking for a serious relationship right away. I want to take things slow and figure out who I am while having some fun. But, I am only 29 and do expect that at some point I will get married again. It may sound silly, but I want to start that new life with my future husband without the visual reminder of my past for all of our friends and family to see on our wedding invitations and programs. With that said, the verdict is in… I’m going to back to “Smith”. (JMJ – are you super pumped, or what!?)

Need a Good Laugh?

I was sitting watching T.V. last night and a commercial came on that was so funny I actually rewound (thanks to the genius who invented TiVo/DVR) and watched it again. I then went and found the video online so that I could share it with all of you! If you need a good laugh, you should watch it – I promise you won’t be sorry!!!

Video Title: Don’t Be Promiscuous

http://www.thewaytohappiness.org/#/videos/dont-be-promiscuous

Sassy Song Sunday: Kerosene by Miranda Lambert

Today’s song is Kerosene by Miranda Lambert. Hands down, Miranda Lambert is one of my favorite country artists and in fact, she has a few other songs that will eventually have their day on Sassy Song Sunday. This song, in my opinion, is the one that made Miranda famous and it’s about cheating so, there you go! This is a live version, but the video is so awesome and you don’t really get the whole jest of the song without seeing the video, so I am posting a link for it too. Enjoy!




Link to the video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0RWbW29nmU4

Man Crazy (READ AT YOUR OWN RISK)

****WARNING****
If you are related to me, know me personally, or are even someone who does not know me but would feel uncomfortable knowing my most intimate thoughts, then STOP READING!! This is for your own good and so that you don’t feel embarrassed the next time we see each other. You’ve been warned… read on at your own risk!!!
****WARNING****

As a teenager I was very boy crazy. I had a different crush every month or so and there was one guy whom I never actually dated but instead had an undying “love” for all throughout high school. (My high school girlfriends are likely laughing because they know just who I am referring too!) I met my husband in college when I was 20 and married him when I was 22. (Dang, I didn’t think so at the time, but we sure were young!) Needless to say, all of my 20’s were spent thinking only of him. Now that I, for all intensive purposes am a single woman, I am starting to become “man crazy” (“boy crazy” sounds a bit too creepy at 29). I fantasize about random men that I see out and about and I actually dream about these guys who I don’t even know. I must say that, while I have said good riddance to my husband and truly did mean it, there are certain things that I miss… a lot!

Happily Ever After Endings

I have a friend who is a tremendously talented woman. She is an amazing wife, mother, teacher, and writer. The stories she writes are incredibly inspiring and I know with all my heart that she will be famous author someday. Several weeks ago she posed this question to the readers of her blog (http://katieganshert.blogspot.com): If you could make one fairytale or fable come true with yourself in it, which would you pick?

It’s difficult for me to answer this question. You would think in my situation I would no longer believe in fairy tales, but this isn’t the case. My husband wasn’t my knight in shining armor or my prince on a white horse, but he did help shape the person I am today. I refuse to stay jaded forever; this isn’t to say I’m not going to have major trust issues to overcome, but I am a romantic at heart. My fairy tale is waiting. I know there is a wonderful man out there whom God has chosen for me. Someday we will meet and fall in love and have our happily ever after ending.

How I’m Doing

In a post nearly three weeks ago I made reference to the five stages of grief. Despite what a few anonymous commenters appear to believe (which I addressed in comments from previous posts this evening), I truly feel that I am at acceptance. I no longer pine for my husband or the way things used to be. While I agree that at times I do seem to dwell on his actions and reasons behind them, this is all part of the process. In essence, my husband was leading a double life. We had a good marriage, beautiful home, successful careers, terrific friends; the list goes on and on. We were looking into taking a cruise and were planning to start trying for a baby later this spring. While my husband was doing all of these things with me, he was also having a sexual relationship with another woman. God only knows the lies he told her about me and our marriage, or why he did what he did. I may never know the answers to these things and, in all honesty, maybe that’s better. I dwell on these things not as a way to avoid the reality of the situation or to drag things on longer than is best for me or everyone else, but because I use this blog as my time to vent these frustrations. I am sorry that my musings make some of you question my motives but, honestly – if it makes you that uncomfortable then stop reading!

So how am I really doing? I think I am doing pretty darn good! I feel better than I have in a long time, and with each passing week I get better and better. I am feeling positive and upbeat again, much like my old self. I feel strong (yes, STRONG) and I realize that life goes on, and it’s up to me to make the choice to enjoy it! Sure, there are times that I am sad - I hear a song on the radio or someone will say something that takes me back to when things where “normal” (or to when I thought they were) and I will crumble. However, I am no longer dry-heaving into a bowl (wasn’t that a fun night J.C. & M.G.!!). I am excited to be exploring the “new me” and am thrilled for the adventures that lay ahead. I have realized that my dreams did not die with my husband; they still exist and they will come true, but they will not be with him. And that, my friends, is okay!

Rules (1-5) for Surviving Divorce

On the night it premiered in early October, I went with friends to the movie Zombieland. It was one very unlike those I usually like, but I loved it! It made me laugh more than I had in weeks. I’ve learned a lot since that night, so in the spirit of the movie I give you my first five rules for surviving divorce. I’ll add more as time goes on. Also, please remember, these are MY RULES… they work for me, even if they wouldn’t work for you…

1. Lean on your family and close friends, they can get you through anything!

2. Keep laughing ~ humor (even that which is “inappropriate”) makes YOU feel better!

3. Embrace the “new you” (even when she is totally unlike “old you”) ~ weekly girls nights, wine, spontaneous choices… the whole shebang!

4. Take the advice and opinions of others with a grain of salt!

5. It’s okay to cry, but “don’t let yourself be a victim”! (Thanks Jennifer (who doesn’t read the blog) for sharing that one with me.)

Sassy Song Sunday: Picture to Burn by Taylor Swift

Today’s song is Picture to Burn by Taylor Swift. I have liked this song since it was released and now it’s one I can truly relate to! In fact, the other day I took a Facebook quiz to see which Taylor Swift song I was and it was this one (shocking, I know)!

Hello/Goodbye

I saw my husband’s family last night for the first time since all of this began. It was a good time – the kids trick-or-treated, we ate, we talked, we laughed, my father-in-law took pictures; it was normal and comforting. I felt like I belonged, yet that there was a big elephant in the room that no one dared to speak of. When my husband’s parents left I hugged them goodbye and part of me wondered if it was my final goodbye to the two of them. As much as they are disgusted with my husband’s actions they are his parents and they will not turn their backs on their son, nor would I ever expect or want them to. It is odd how people who were once so integral in your life can suddenly become people whom you simply send a Christmas card to once a year.

Haunting My Dreams (AGAIN!!!)

I had dream about her again the other night. I went down to the town that she lives (and works with my husband) in to meet her so we could talk. I asked her how everything with my husband got started… Who perused who; how it transformed from a random fling into an affair; and what he had told her about me and our marriage. I never actually HEARD her answers, but after we talked I felt a lot better.

To an extent this random dream inspired me. I am sitting here contemplating writing her a letter and asking of her the questions which my husband refuses to answer. Who knows, maybe one of these days I actually will.

God’s Plan

I love my class this year! Believe it or not, this is not always the case. Sure, I always like them but some years we just click more than others. So, it says a lot when I tell you that I can say without a doubt, aside from the class I had my very first year of teaching, this group is my favorite hands down! Not a day goes by that one of my first graders does not hug me, tell me they love me, or tell me how pretty I am. They are such amazing little self-esteem boosters and they don’t even know it! My group this year is far more innocent than I have had in the past – they truly believe that our Zero the Hero puppet comes alive every 10th day and they take such joy in the smallest of things – stories, songs, scented stickers, and the fact that I call them names like “punkin” and “sweetpea”. The thing about this group is they are a little needier than usual. Normally this would drive me nuts, but honestly I think it’s exactly what I needed. I truly believe that God gave me this specific group of students this year because these little six and seven-year-olds held the power to pull me out of the pit I was drowning in. As much as they love and need me, the truth is that I love and need them even more.

Silence Ensues

My husband barley speaks to me. Granted, I don’t want to hear about his evening with her; however, I would like him to at least be cordial. He no longer initiates communication, and in fact, acts as if he is in pain responding to my “hello” and “good morning”, if he even responds at all. It’s funny how I used to be annoyed with his “nothing has changed” attitude and now I am equally annoyed with this. Maybe I am just annoyed with HIM! I would like to think that he is beginning to regret the decisions he made and that explains his sudden coldness, but in truth it is more likely due to the fact that he knows the loathing I have for silent treatment and he’s trying to get under my skin.

Cosmic Foreshowing

In January 2007 I lost the center stone from my wedding ring, prongs and all. At the time, as you can imagine, I was quite distraught. After all, who ever heard of the entire head of a wedding ring falling off? Sure, diamonds fall out all of the time – but the prongs are still there! Obviously we got it fixed and my wedding set is beautifully intact; however, in retrospect I now wonder if this was some kind of weird cosmic foreshadowing. What do you think?

SASSY Song Sunday: Lucky For You by SHeDAISY

No more sappy songs! I'm changing these posts to Sassy Song Sunday! Today’s song is Lucky For You by SHeDAISY. It does a great job of explaining the gamut of emotions, both positive and negative, that I have toward my husband. Plus, the video makes me laugh every time!

The Number 23

Whenever I am asked what my favorite number is, I reply 23. I am not sure why but I have always liked it. In fact, when I was a little girl I used to say it was my “lucky number”. There was a movie that came out a few years ago called The Number 23. After my husband and I watched the movie he began to notice things in our life that were signified by the number 23, just like the main character in the movie. For example our street number plus house number adds up to the number 23. In addition, the number 23 marked important dates in our life together…

* Eight years ago today on October 23, 2001 my husband asked me to be his wife.

* 30 years and two months ago today on August 23, 1979 my husband was born.

And now, in addition to these monuments 23s I can also say that…

* Two months ago today on August 23, 2009 I found out of my husband’s infidelity.

It’s hard to believe that it’s been two months since my world exploded leaving shards of my broken life strewn about. In some ways it feels like 23 years have passed since that fateful day; although in other ways it seems like it was only 23 hours ago. Although I may have to rethink whether the number 23 is any longer my favorite number, I cannot argue with the fact that is certainly does have significance in my life.

What’s In a Name?

I have been thinking a lot over the past several weeks about if I should keep my married name or go back to my maiden name. This is a very difficult decision. My maiden name is very common; for the purposes of this post we’ll say it was “Smith” (yes, it’s really that common). My married name, on the other hand, is quite unique; for the purposes of this post we’ll say it is “Waechter” (yes, it really is that unique – no one can ever spell it correctly, and most cannot pronounce it either, but in many ways that has made it endearing).

When my husband and I got married we registered at Target and there were 46 other “Bewilderd Smiths” registered as well (no joke). I was thrilled to be changing to such a unique last name. So unique in fact, that my husband’s family is the only Waechters in the United States (the rest are in Germany and Australia). When I posed the question to one of my brothers as to which name I should go with he responded with, “Well are you really a Waechter?” To which I responded, “No, I am a Smith!” It might be nice to rid myself of my husband AND his name. On the other hand, I feel like a “Waechter” (not in my actions, but in a way that it is my name). Everything I have has the name Waechter on it – from my drivers license and social security card to my teaching license and the masters degree diploma I received in mid September. I realize all of these things can be changed; however, there is also the issue that professionally I am known only by this name and have been since my first day of teaching. I have worked in three different school district; two of which are fairly prominent in the state. This means that all of the professional connections I have made have been with the name “Waechter”. So how would I deal with this? And, if I did keep my married name would I still be called “Mrs. Waechter” or would I be “Ms. Waechter”? (Not that it would really matter anyway, as first graders will call me “Mrs.” regardless of what my last name is – they don’t understand the distinction.)

I remember how odd it used to feel when I would say my name was “Bewildered Waechter” but now it feels just as odd to say “Bewildered Smith”. In a way, both feel wrong; how can that be?

I know it ultimately has to be a decision that I make for myself. But, please give me your opinion. (I wish I knew how to set up a voting poll, but since I don’t know how – please post a comment, even if it’s just one name or the other!) If you were me would you stay with “Waechter” or go back to “Smith”?

A Little Bit Like Me

I have been very unlike myself over the past two months, to the point where I have wondered if the “old me” would ever come back. My mom told me that parts of “old me” would come back, but that I may not ever be exactly the same and that was okay. Well last night a little bit of the “old me” came back. I love autumn and decorate my house both inside and out for the season. My friends and family have been encouraging me to decorate this year, but honestly I haven’t much felt like it. Well, yesterday after work something came over me. I stopped and bought pumpkins, gourds, and a mum and decorated the front stoop, just as I always have. I even got out a few of my decorations and put those out too. I didn’t go all-out and decorate inside the house, but what I did outside felt good. I actually felt a little bit like me.

Haunting My Dreams

Every night I dream about her. The dreams are never the same, but she is always present in one way or another. In the most recent dream I was confronting her about the affair she is having with my husband. We were having a heated argument in the driveway of my parent’s home and I grabbed her hair. As I pulled her hair, her face began to contort as if it were made of Silly Putty. I kept pulling and pulling until her face was just a blob. Then I woke up.

If only real life could mimic dreams.

Sappy Song Sunday: How Could You by Saliva

Today’s song is How Could You by Saliva. It has become one of my favorites; I listen to it every morning on my way to work. It expresses the big question that I can’t let go of: How could my husband have done this? I know these were choices he made and they are his, not mine, to own. However, I can’t understand. I can’t understand what lead to this; I can’t understand the lies; I can’t understand why he didn’t communicate his unhappiness rather than take the path that he chose. I can't understand what role I played in causing this situation. I can’t understand WHY he did this, hence I keep asking the same questions again and again to no avail and without these answers I am not sure how to move on.





(Side note, my apologies for the weird video. It was between this, a live version where you could majorly hear someone from the audience singing, or one which was a movie trailer for Surrogates... tough choice!)

What Happens to the Friends?

Divorce is all about splitting things up. The couple splits and then they divide everything down the middle… assets, debts, home furnishings – the list goes on and on. But what happens to the friends? I don’t mean the friends that distinctly “belong” to one person or the other, but those who are friends of the couple. It’s like a multiple choice quiz:

a) Do you barter for the friends… “I’ll give you A and B if I can have C and D?”

b) Do you each plead your case (i.e. “He committed adultery, I did not.”) and then force the friends to choose between the two of you?

c) Does everyone stay friends and then in doing so the two of you agree to “alternating weekends” with said friends?

d) By divorcing have you each forfeited any and all relationships with the above mentioned friends?

So what’s the answer?

Let Them Go

While searching the internet recently, I stumbled upon this. I believe wholeheartedly in what this author has written, but for some reason I am struggling with embracing these words for myself. Sometimes I think I should print it off and read it to myself daily (sometimes several times a day).

"Let Them Go"
By T. D. Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you, let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean, hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you, let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody who left.

The Bible said that they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go!

It doesn't mean that they are a bad person; it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when peoples' part in your story is over
so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift. I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.

Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!

Regret

Regret is like the evil cousin of worry – both are my friends. My husband and I used to joke that if I had nothing to worry about, I would worry about that. I have been doing a lot of worrying lately – worrying about the present and the future. I have also been full of regret, hearing all of these “what ifs” run through my mind…

* What if I had said no when my husband asked me to marry him?

* What if I would have taken my dad up on the offer when, jokingly before he and I walked down the aisle, he nodded toward the door and told me we could still leave?

* What if my husband had gotten a job rather than going to graduate school after we were married? Where would we have ended up?

* What if we had never moved here?

* What if we would have had children?

* What if I hadn’t been working toward my masters for the past two years?

* What if I hadn’t spent so much time at work and/or doing “school stuff”?

* What if my husband would have talked to me about his feelings of unhappiness or discontentedness?

* What if my husband had never met her?

* What if I had gone with him to the luau party where they first kissed?

* What if I had been better at whatever it is he is looking for… a better house keeper, a better cook, smarter, dumber, thinner, fatter, prettier, uglier – the list goes on and on (can you tell I worry about this one A LOT!?)

* What if I would have seen signs of his relationship with her?

* What if I had never found out about his affair?

* What if I had not insisted that he see a therapist sooner rather than later and he hadn’t canceled his original appointment with another therapist to see Dr. Frog?

* What if, when I filed for divorce, I would have asked for court mandated counseling?

* What if he could just give me answers as to WHY this happened? Would I be better able to move on?


What if, What if, What if. I cannot stand these questions full of regret. I want these questions to leave me alone. Yet they don’t because I can’t stop asking them. I cannot stop feeling full of regret.

Getin’ Some New Bling

Last night my watch battery died. This was ironic because of the story behind my watch… My husband had been planning to propose (unbeknownst to me) on our one year anniversary of dating. When he picked out the ring he made some changes, like switching the center stone from a round to a princess cut diamond. When he went to pick up the ring it wasn’t ready and wouldn’t be ready in time for our anniversary. He haggled with the jeweler and ended up getting a Bulova watch for free, which he gave to me on our anniversary rather than the ring. I wear the watch every day and have never once replaced the battery in eight years. Funny now that my marriage has “died” so has the watch battery!

I took the watch into a jewelry store today after work and while they were changing the battery I asked one of the sales girls if they every bought back wedding sets. She explained that they have an exchange program where individuals can “trade” their sets in and get credit toward newer/better sets. To this I responded, “Oh, well we’re getting a divorce so there would be no need for that.” She then started laughing and said, “Oh! well yes, bring your set in. You could get a beautiful right hand ring or diamond earrings, whatever you’d like!” So, needless to say, I’m going to get myself some new bling! Anyone want to go shopping?

Moving On Via the Humor Train

I have heard numerous times (well before I myself was in this situation) that individuals going through divorce experience stages of grief, just as someone who is dealing with a death. This makes a lot of sense. I am grieving the loss of my husband, just not in a mortal sense; I am also grieving the loss of our marriage. A little known fact is that there are several different models for the stages of grief, ranging from three to seven stages. The most well known model for the stages of grief is that of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, which was detailed in her book On Death and Dying.

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

The thing about these stages is that they are generally not sequential, but rather circular. Every person moves through the stages of grief at their own pace – people can get “stuck” in stages and others can move back and forth between them. The point of this is that everyone deals with grief in their own way and no one way is right or wrong.

I am primarily dealing with my situation through humor (and with wine… which is from God; thanks to my friend Anita who brought this to my attention!!) That doesn’t mean that I don’t hurt, that I don’t cry, or that I am not trying to “get over it”. But quite simply, “getting over it” is a process and it is much easier said than done. I have been hurt deeply, but I can no longer wallow in a pit of despair. I am not making light of events that have happened or empowering my husband by fixating on what has transpired and poking fun at him, her, or the totality of the situation. The majority of you understand this, but a few of you do not. I make no apologies for this. No one can judge me or tell me how to deal with this until they have walked in my shoes. Truly I pray that none of you will walk in these shoes; however, until you do don’t tell me how I should handle this. What works for you may not be what works for me and, quite honestly if you asked me how I would handle this situation before I was in it, I would have told you something entirely different than what I am actually doing. Don’t tell me that what I am doing is wrong or that it is “juvenile” or that I have to stop doing something. This is what it is, as crappy as it may be, and this is how I can best handle it. THANK YOU to those of you who understand this and who support me – you are truly wonderful and I love you and your support more than you know!

Sappy Song Sunday: So What by P!nk

Today’s not-so-sappy song is So What by P!nk. This is an awesome kick-butt song! I love it so much that it’s the new ringtone on my cell phone. The words rock and the “official video” (which this one is not) is so funny; I highly recommend you check it out on You Tube!

We Got That Cubs Fan Out!

As anyone who knows my family can attest to, we are diehard St. Louis Cardinals fans. However, my husband was not; he was a Cubs fan. Needless to say, my family always enjoyed giving him some good-natured ribbing about this. Several weeks ago my grandmother made the comment, “Well, all I can say is at least we got that Cubs fan out of our family!” So, as a throw back to the signs my brothers used to make to take to Cardinals games when we were younger, my brother Chase and I made this sign…

Change

I have mentioned many times that I believe everything happens for a reason but that I cannot find the reason in this. I know that eventually I will understand all of this and I will be thankful for what has transpired, even if the thought of this seems impossible right now. I came across a great quote on another blog that I frequent which speaks to this:

“Typically, change is neither comfortable nor pleasant. However, when the change is due to a purifying or refining process, we can rest assured that the outcome of the process will be better in the end.”
– Brady Sullivan (http://bandssullivan.blogspot.com)

No Longer Naïve

I think I am starting to hate my husband. Not just the kind of hate like “I hate broccoli” or “I hate Monday”, but real true hate. I have had some sort of come to Jesus moment – I have realized how manipulative and dishonest he truly is. He plays a good “Mr. Nice Guy” game, but it’s all an act. Everything he says or does has an ulterior motive and I am starting to think this has been the case for some time. I don’t trust him and I know that he is only looking out for himself. It makes me sad thinking about the person he used to be and the choices he made on his way to becoming the man he now is. However those are not my issues. He did not consider me in the decisions he made along the way in getting to this point and I no longer need to consider him in the decisions which I make either. I am done. I am no longer naïve.

I Wonder What’s Up

I yelled at my husband on Sunday night about the fact that his second-hand smoke stench has permeated the guest room and is now wafting through the house. I told him it was disgusting. Consequently, he began giving me the silent treatment (which he knows is one thing that I cannot stand!) I felt bad, not because of my actions because I DO think he deserved to be yelled at, but because I could and should have handled the situation differently. I would not want him speaking to me that way, so I shouldn’t be speaking to him like that either. So, I sent him an email explaining that my concern about the smokey odor involved selling our house and the fact that the vast majority of potential buyers would not be interested in a house that reeked of smoke. I reminded him of a former neighbor we had when we lived in a duplex after we first got married – we hated the smoke smell that wafted into our house from hers.

Well the email I sent must have worked because last night he got home early (5:30 rather than what has been 10:00 or after). He washed all of his dirty clothes, aired out the guest bedroom, and told me he would put a clothes basket and some shorts and shirts downstairs or in the garage so that when he came home and was smokey he could change into different clothes before moving about the house. I was shocked - we'll see if he actually follows through.

Then to top it all off we ate the same thing at dinner last night (haven’t done that for several weeks now) and he poured my milk for me (something he always used to do.) He helped me unloaded the dishwasher and then he put the towels in the washing machine for me. He went to bed at 8:30 because he was really tired and I told him I was going to go up soon as well. He said, "Well if the towels aren't done yet when you go to bed I can put them in the dryer in the morning." It was all very odd, it's like he has suddenly morphed into a kind and caring person. Is it a ruse? Of course it is! I wonder what he is up to.

Playing House (part 2)

In an earlier post I mentioned that my husband is playing house with her. In a sense, he is also playing house with me but just in a different way. He is acting as though everything is fine and that we can happily co-exist in this new kind of normal. I always just assumed that when people were getting a divorce one person moved out of the house, but sadly I guess that is not always the case. Many of you have asked why we have to live in the same house or why I don’t just kick him out. My state has only no-fault divorce laws. If either of us moves out the other spouse gets temporary possession of the house and the other one still has to pay “maintenance” (i.e. contribute to the bills). I really don’t see why this would be a big deal for him, considering that he could live with her for free. I asked him about this last weekend, questioning why he couldn’t just stay with her and he gave me some crap about the fact that he didn’t realize it bothered me. Truly, if he had any decency at all he would leave the house (considering he is the one at fault – he is the adulterer), but clearly he has proven that he is not a decent guy. So, I guess until everything is final he and I will proceed with this charade – our own version of playing house… let the game continue.

Sappy Song Sunday: What Hurts the Most by Rascal Flatts

Over the past few weeks several friends and I have noticed all of the songs that can be applied to my situation – the number is pretty staggering, actually! Some of the songs are heartbreaking (like Broken that I posted on August 29th) and others are simply kick-butt man hating ones (like Cheater Cheater that I posted on September 6th). As I have mentioned, I find music very moving and because of this I have decided to give these songs their own special posts. So, I give you the very first edition of Sappy Song Sunday; although, I promise not all of the song will be actually be sappy. (The one downfall is that the videos are so cool, but I can’t get those to post so I have to find versions that do not have embedding disabled. If anyone knows the “trick” around this, please let me know!)

Today’s song is What Hurts the Most by Rascal Flatts. This one really hits home for me as the words describe everything that I feel. The one thing that has been so impossible for me to comprehend is how my husband could walk away from our seven year marriage without even a second thought.

The Breakdown

My no crying streak has come to an end. This was to be a great weekend - spending time with two of my dearest friends and also going to my husband’s nephews 5th birthday party (without my husband of course, as he has had nothing to do with his family since this all began.) I had been very excited about this all week. However, I hadn’t considered how emotional I would be doing these things for the first time without him. Last night it was difficult seeing our friends without him and then I woke up this morning full of anxiety about seeing my husband’s family later today. I called my mother-in-law and sobbed. I explained that I thought I could do this, that I wanted to do this, but that I just didn’t know if I could. She told me it was okay, that they supported me and wanted to see me too, but that I had to do what was best for me. She told me she thought my emotions were probably too raw to see all of them just yet, and I guess she was right. It’s odd because I want to see his parents and brother and his family more than anything, as they have all been such a comfort to me over the past month, yet the thought of doing so is also terrifying. It makes it all too real. I am bewildered by all of the emotions I am going through and how they can change on a dime simply by hearing my husband’s name or seeing something that reminds me of him. I wish there was a manual for how to deal with this shit-storm that is my life!

Playing House

She and my husband are playing house. Wednesday night he did not get home until just after ten o’clock. I knew he’d been at her house even before it came up, simply because he walked in the door reeking to high heaven of cigarette smoke. He then began rummaging around in the kitchen and I said, “Did you not eat dinner?” To which he responded, “Oh yah, we had Hamburger Helper and then watched a movie.” Last night he came home even later. It’s like this is his new “normal” – working, spending quality time with her and her child, coming home to our house and making small talk with me as if nothing has changed, and then going to bed in the guest room. It’s strange how he can act so normal in this situation which is anything but. A friend of mine pointed out that it’s because this is his normal – he was doing all of these things well before August 23rd, the only difference is that now I know and back then I didn’t. She said he is probably happier now because everything is out in the open, not to mention the fact that everything in his relationship with her is in the “new” and “exciting” stage. It makes me sick – truly, I feel nauseous.

Breathlessly Still and Spinning Out of Control

When all of this began I remember thinking that if August would just end and we could get to September everything would be okay. Little did I know then that September would be far worse than August had been. Now here we are, October 1st. It’s my favorite month - my favorite season, and all I want is for things to go back to a way which they will never be again. I wonder what this new month will bring. It’s strange how I feel that my life is standing breathlessly still and also spinning wildly out of control all at the same time.

Pick Me, Choose Me, Love Me

My family and friends will kill me for saying this, but there is still a part of me that keeps wishing that my husband will recognize that the life he is throwing away is nothing like the one he will be getting in return and that this alone will be enough to make him realize the mistake he is making. One of my best friends posed a question to me yesterday via email, “If your husband were to come home today and say that he’d changed his mind; he’ll cut off ALL ties with her, he’ll go to counseling and work through this… would you take him back?” My response to her was, “Sadly, yes I probably would. How sick is that!?” I feel like Meredith from seasons past of Grey’s Anatomy where she is pleading with Derek, “pick me, choose me, love me.” And then, as we avid fans know, Derek did choose Meredith. Why can’t real life be this way? The realistic part of me knows that the chances of this happening are slim to none, yet the romantic in me can’t stop hoping for it, wishing for it, praying for it. I’m wondering if there will always be a part of me that hopes for him to return to me, kind of like how there is always a special place in your heart for your first love.

This Is My Life

I am amazed as I write these words… I have not shed a tear in roughly 72 hours. Yep, you read it correctly – I’ve been tear free for three days! I feel as though this is some sort of monumental accomplishment. I wouldn’t exactly say that I have moved toward acceptance, but I am definitely working toward a level of understanding. As crazy as it may sound, in part I think some of this came from the acquisition of her pictures. Until I saw the pictures of the two of them together, there was honestly a part of me that still believed it wasn’t true. I realize this sounds odd considering I had seen instant messages between the two of them and he had confessed. However, there was just something so concrete about seeing the two of them, photographed together for all eternity with their faces cheek to cheek, which made me realize this is not a dream. I am not going to wake up from this. My husband and I, along with our friends and family aren’t going to be laughing about this later. Although this is not at all what I had planned, this is real; this is my life.

How Do I Move On?

Nine years ago yesterday my husband and I went on our first date. I can tell you vivid details of that night – from what we each wore to what we ate at the restaurant to the hockey game we attended to the movie we watched in his dorm room afterwards. It was the longest date either of us had ever been on, because neither of us wanted it to end. After the movie we talked for hours about everything and nothing all at the same time. That night is burned into my brain; it is the night I began falling in love with him, the night I knew I would someday marry him.

How do I move on with all these memories of the last nine years rolling around in my head? How do I move on when I have no understanding of how things got to this point – when I had no idea things were at this point until my husband revealed his affair. How do I move on without any answers (because I have tried, he can give me none – all he says to everything I ask is “I don’t know” or “I don’t have an answer for that”)? How do I move on as if this life never existed? My husband has moved on, acting as though everything is normal. Please, someone, tell me how to move on!

I couldn’t resist… meet Her

She is the one on the right in all of these pictures...

Her

Through the friend of a friend of a friend sort of thing I was have acquired some pictures of her. I can’t tell you how fixated I have become on these photos (I look at them several times a day); it’s like a car accident – you don’t want to look but you can’t look away. She is nothing like me, which I suppose is good, but yet it’s also quite insulting to me as well. Mind you, I have no idea what she is like as a person other than what people have told me about her. (Although considering she has no qualms about sleeping with a married man, I can speculate on the type of person she is.) From everything I know she is like my polar opposite…

Me
• I have a masters degree; I work in a highly respected profession - teaching first grade
• I am very girly
• I am petite (5ft. 3in.)
• I have small hands
• I do not smoke
• I am pretty clean-cut and “preppy”; I do not like bars, I never have
• I have no children

Her
• I have no idea what her level of education is; however, she works on the line in a factory
• She is very “manly” (several people have described her this way to me)
• She is a tall Amazon woman
• She has giant man hands
• She smokes (which blows my mind because my husband HATES cigarette smoke)
• She appears to be very “rough” and “trashy”; she looks like someone who hangs out in dive bars a lot (hard to explain, but if you saw the pictures you would understand)
• She is a single mother to a three-year-old son (she was never married)


None of this makes any sense to me. I don’t understand how he could go from someone like me to someone like her. What was wrong with me? Why didn’t I make him happy? What does she have that I don’t?

The Power of Girlfriends (and Margaritas)

I had a great time tonight having dinner with two of my best friends. We had a blast laughing and talking (and drinking… although not as much as the table next to us – those girls got sombreros and what we think were free shots – no fair!!!!). We decided that I should STOP wearing my wedding ring and that it really isn’t that pretty anyway! The three of us, along with some other friends, are going to all go out and I’m going to look SUPER HOT! We are going to make t-shirts… mine will say, “If you’re gonna have an affair, at least wear a condom” (that will be a good conversation starter) and their’s will all say, “Team ‘Bewildered’” Yay, I can’t wait!!!

Sangry

It’s amazing how much your life can change in the span of a month. One month ago today my life as I knew it began spiraling out of control. It’s hard to believe it’s only been a month, it truly feels like years have come and gone. For some reason an indescribable feeling of sadness has come over me. Here’s the weird thing, I’m still really angry too. How is it possible for a person to be sad and angry all at once? Sangry, that’s what I am. (Yes, I just invented a new word: "sangry” – an interwoven combination of sadness and anger.)

I am sangry because this is not the life I had planned. On the verge of thirty my husband and I were to be starting a family; I wasn’t to be starting over. I don’t want to be starting over – I don’t want to be at this place in life, even if it is for the better. That makes me very sangry! I am sangry that he is living out my dream with her and her child! I am sangry that my husband is not the man that I thought he was. Where is the man I fell in love with – what happened to him? Am I really that poor a judge of character or did he have all of us fooled? I truly do realize that I deserve so much better than the man he pretended to be, yet that doesn’t make me any less sangry. I feel like I’m grieving over a life that never truly existed and that makes me sangry too because I cannot make sense of it.

Audacity of an Adulterer

Several wise women have told me over the last several weeks that I needed to just get mad – really, really mad. I truly did try but on the occasions that I was mad, the feeling quickly faded back to despair. However, I can now officially say that the anger, no make that rage, has arrived!!!

My husband told me two weeks ago that he was to meet with Dr. Frog yesterday at 5:00, so reasonably I expected that he would be home around 6:30ish. So 8:00 o’clock came around and he still wasn’t here, nor did he call. I cried for a good 45 minutes. I am not sure why, I guess I just felt sad, frustrated, alone, etc. etc. etc. I realize he no longer has to be “accountable” to me as to where he is; however, I can’t just turn that off. I can’t not worry that he’s dead in a ditch or something. So he finally got home about 9:15 (thank God I was no longer crying – I was hunky dory watching the season finale of my favorite show, Big Brother, which I had recorded last week.) So he walks in like some big pimp ~ all happy go lucky with not a care in the world.

Him: “Oh Big Brother, who was in the finals?”

Me: “Jordan & Natalie.”

Him: “That’s surprising!”

Me: “How was your night?”

Him: “Fine.”

Me: “What did you do?”

Him: “Umm, just some computer things and stuff.”

Me: “Are you lying?”

Him: “Yah, kind of.”

Me: “So you were at your girlfriend’s?”

Him: “Yah, I was at Amy’s house.” Then he just kind of smirked at me.


When he said it I had this feeling of wanting to vomit but then suddenly this feeling turned into complete rage!! I did not say another word; I just focused on watching T.V. The more I stared at the T.V. the angrier I got. Who the Hell does he think he is? Does he think we are now buddies or something? Well I can assure you that we are NOT!!

I cannot believe he has the audacity to act like our life together never existed. That is not okay!!!

I cannot believe he has the audacity to “play” with her and then just walk back into this house like he belongs here. That is not okay!!!

I cannot believe he has the audacity to treat me like a piece of trash. That is not ok!!!

She is trash; she is the one sleeping with a married man. Yes, he is a married man until the day our divorce is final whether he chooses to act like it or not!

I no longer have any desire whatsoever to reconcile with this pig of a man.

He disgusts me.

He is scum.

He deserves nothing better than his white trash ho of a girlfriend!

Thank You!!

I would like to thank all of you for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers!! Thank you to those of you who have left comments here on the blog. Thank you as well to those of you who know me personally and have sent me cards and emails; these are truly so uplifting and mean more to me than you will ever know. I have printed every email and am keeping them, as well as the cards, in a folder so that I can read your encouraging words when I feel like I am at my darkest moments. Please keep them coming!

One of the emails I received today was from one of my wonderful coworkers. She told me of a sign that her mother has… “God only gives me what he knows I can handle, I just wish he didn’t trust me so much!” Amen to that!!!

One Wish

If I could have one wish it would be for my husband to realize that this is all a mistake. He would realize that this isn’t what he wants and that it never was. He would tell me that he was wrong and that he is sorry. He would tell me he wants to try and work things out; it would not be a guarantee but at least a willingness to try. He would agree to go to counseling together. He would stop communicating with/seeing her. He would realize that every marriage has ups and downs but that you stand behind your marriage vows and you don’t just throw away a life together without ever trying to repair the damage. I am angry that he never communicated anything with me, that he never told me he was unhappy and even more that he acted like he was happy. I want to know when the truth stopped and the lies began. Was it two months ago? Two years ago? Was anything ever true?

I am a person who believes that everything happens for a reason, but I cannot find the reason in this. I truly cannot. Our God is loving and I cannot understand why a loving God would allow me to feel so much pain. I said in one of my first posts that when my husband and I first met I prayed and turned it over to God, knowing that if he and I were meant to be HE would make it happen. Why did HE lead our two lives to take one path if this were to be the end result?

Massage & Chakra

I have to give a shout-out to a wonderful woman named Brenda who just gave me an awesome massage! (Believe it or not, it was my very first one ever – now I totally get what all the “hype” is about!!!) If you are ever in my hometown I HIGHLY recommend you make an appointment with her (she works with my mother, so tell mom that you need the hook-up.) Anyway, Brenda, thank you so much! You are a truly caring woman, and quite frankly, in my eyes you are a rock star!!!

In addition to the massage she also gave me two Chakra bracelets. I didn’t know a lot about Chakra, so I looked it up when I got home. She gave me one bracelet that was all indigo and another that was multicolored with all of the Chakra colors on it. She explained that she doesn’t know if wearing a bracelet of colored rocks really helps and I said, “Well it can’t hurt.” At this point, I’ll take anything I can get!! Here is what the colors mean:

Violet – beauty, creativity, & inspiration

Indigo – intuition, mysticism, & understanding

Blue – verbal expression & truth

Green – balance, love, & self control

Yellow – wisdom, clarity & self esteem

Orange – happiness, confidence, & resourcefulness

Red - vitality, courage, & self confidence

Wedding Ring

As I sit writing this I am staring at the wedding ring on my finger. I can’t take it off. I am not exactly sure why, as everything that it symbolized is no more. However, it has sat on my finger for seven years (eight if you include the year I had just the engagement ring) and it truly feels like it belongs there. I am serious when I say my finger feels “naked” without it. Plus, dang it, it’s pretty!!!! In fact, just the other day (at my attorney’s office none the less) I got a complement about how pretty it was! I tried putting on a different ring instead (to “fill the void”), but it didn’t work – perhaps it’s the weight of the platinum that I miss. What is wrong with me, why can’t I take this ring off!?

Playing With My Emotions

My husband knows that he can take advantage of my emotional state. The logical part of me knows that he’s doing it, but in the moment I can’t stop myself – I get sucked right in. He came back to our house yesterday evening. At first he was civil and, to an extent even nice. However, I suspect this was a ruse and he has ulterior motives. He is planning on staying in the house with me until the divorce is final (advice from his attorney, I am sure) which could be anywhere from 91 days to 7-9 months, depending upon if we can settle or if we must go to trial. I do not understand why he feels the need to torture me by staying at the house. (Yes, I realize that legally he has just as much right to be there as I do; however, we both know that he doesn’t want to be there anymore than I want him there. Hasn’t he done enough to me already!?!?) I asked him why he couldn’t just stay at her house instead and his response was, “I own this house not that one” (again, straight from his attorney’s mouth, I’m sure). Everything that he said was just so cold, as if he were not speaking with the person he has been with for the past nine years, but rather the checkout girl at the grocery store. At one point I was crying and said, “Don’t you understand how much you have hurt me? You have hurt me worse than anyone in my life ever has and you are the one person whom I never thought would.” This would be so much easier if I could just hate him! Why can’t I do that???

One of my brothers reminded me that my husband’s sole motive is most likely to “charm me” into agreeing to something that is in his own best interests (and far from mine) because he knows I am so emotional and he can take advantage of that. In all honesty, that is probably true. I am trying to stay level headed but it’s so hard because I cannot think straight (yesterday someone asked me my phone number and I drew a complete blank, having no clue what my number was).

A very wise man gave me what is to be my new life motto: “I will always act effectively in my self interests.” I am supposed to write this on a 3x5 card and read it out loud to myself numerous times a day. God, please help me heed this new life motto and truly live by it!

Lost

I do not know how to function in this new world that I have found myself in. Sometimes I think of it as amazing that I have even gotten out of bed. As I sit in this foreign new land, I feel extremely lost. I have discovered that there is much I do not know how to do – things that my husband has always done…

• I do not know how to read financial statements, nor do I know anything at all about our finances.

• I do not know which bills come out of which bank accounts, or even which ones are automatically deducted versus ones I need to write checks for.

• I do not know how to make a budget.

• I do not know how to mow the lawn or even how to start the lawn mower. (For real, I don’t! Growing up I had brothers that did this. In college I lived in dorms or apartments so there were people who did it. Then I got married and my husband always did it.)

• Along those same lines, as I look ahead to a Midwest winter, I do not know how to use the snowblower (which is bad because our house is on a large corner lot so there is LOTS of sidewalk to clear.)

• I do not know how to fix the internet when it goes down. Right now the printer isn’t working and I don’t know how to fix that either. (My husband is a computer genius – people pay him to fix theirs, so I have never worried about not knowing how to do these things because I knew he would.)

• I do not know anything about cars or what to do when mine breaks down. (Whenever I have had to take it in, my husband always called in for me and talked to the people and then before they started fixing it they always called him.)

• I do not know how to fix things around the house (another thing my husband was a genius at.)


I am sure there are many more things that I will discover over the next few weeks and months as I move forward. But that’s the thing; I do not know how to move forward. I feel paralyzed in a sea of sadness and fear. Everyone keeps telling me to get mad and stay mad. But this is easier said than done. Yes, there are moments when I truly am furious, but mostly I just feel sad and scared. Most of the time I just feel lost.