A week ago today a bomb exploded and my world came crashing down. As I sit here looking around at the shards of my broken life, I can't help but wish that life were like the movies...
If life were like the movies I would walk in and quit my job tomorrow because I can no longer be the "super teacher" that I prided myself on being. I would fly down to Florida and sit on the beach with my toes in the Gulf of Mexico. Then I would get a job as a character at Disney World!
If life were like the movies I would make my husband, as well as her, both wear scarlet letters. Or better yet, get a scarlet letter tattooed on their foreheads! The two of them would have to walk around with all the the world knowing what they have done.
If life were like the movies I really would have cut the crotch out of all my husband's pants, rather than just threatening to do so! I would have thrown all of his things out into the driveway and changed the locks to our house. I would have kicked him to the curb and never looked back.
If life were like the movies I would go have martinis with my friends. We would talk about what a fool my husband is... that he just lost the best thing in his life and he doesn't even know it. Then we would have a "good riddance" toast to him.
If life were like the movies I wouldn't hurt like this; I wouldn't cry like this. I wouldn't feel like I am dying.
If life were like the movies, everything would be okay.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
What I Want to Say
What I want to say to my husband...
How could you have done this? The man who I know and love would not have done this. Who are you? Where is my husband? Why did you do this? If you were so unhappy, why didn't you talk to me all the times I tried to talk to you before it ever even came to this? Do you know how much you have hurt me? Do you even care? This was more than a one night stand or a fling - this was an affair. YOU have committed adultery!!!! Do you know that? Do you care? Was she worth it? Was she worth the pain that it has caused me, caused us, caused our life together? HOW COULD YOU HAVE DONE THIS?????????????????????????
What I want to say to her...
What is wrong with you? What gives you the right to sleep with someone else's husband - MY husband!?!? I witnessed you flirting with him over a year ago - have you been planning this ever since then? Have you done this before? You are supposed to be a role model for your child - how can you look at him everyday and know that this is the kind of person you are? Would you like him to grow up and have an affair with someone else's wife? Well, would you -because that is what you are teaching him to do!!! My husband claims you "feel bad" because you have been cheated on before, well in my eyes that makes it even worse! Is this now your mission, just to go out and sleep with every married man whom you can lure in so that you can make their wives feel the pain that you felt when your fiance did this to you? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??????????????????????????
How could you have done this? The man who I know and love would not have done this. Who are you? Where is my husband? Why did you do this? If you were so unhappy, why didn't you talk to me all the times I tried to talk to you before it ever even came to this? Do you know how much you have hurt me? Do you even care? This was more than a one night stand or a fling - this was an affair. YOU have committed adultery!!!! Do you know that? Do you care? Was she worth it? Was she worth the pain that it has caused me, caused us, caused our life together? HOW COULD YOU HAVE DONE THIS?????????????????????????
What I want to say to her...
What is wrong with you? What gives you the right to sleep with someone else's husband - MY husband!?!? I witnessed you flirting with him over a year ago - have you been planning this ever since then? Have you done this before? You are supposed to be a role model for your child - how can you look at him everyday and know that this is the kind of person you are? Would you like him to grow up and have an affair with someone else's wife? Well, would you -because that is what you are teaching him to do!!! My husband claims you "feel bad" because you have been cheated on before, well in my eyes that makes it even worse! Is this now your mission, just to go out and sleep with every married man whom you can lure in so that you can make their wives feel the pain that you felt when your fiance did this to you? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??????????????????????????
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Broken
When I met my husband, I discovered that there are two different kinds of people when listening to music. One is the person who listens to the melody, but never really focuses on the words (this is the type of music listener my husband is) and the other is the person who focuses on the words and not the melody (this is the type of music listener I am). Neither way is "right" or "wrong", I bring it up only to explain that sometimes I will hear a song and become instantly captivated by it because the words of the song are literally my life (as if the song was written only for me). It has happened so many times to me over the years.
So, here it is - my new "theme song", the song that explains my life at this moment in time...
So, here it is - my new "theme song", the song that explains my life at this moment in time...
My Superhero Mother-in-law
As far as I know, my husband's family does not know any of this is happening. I have never been close to them, which has always bothered me. In the nine years that I have known them, they have never hugged me or told me they loved, not even on our wedding day. However, my husband is not close to them either. I have never seen them hug him or tell him they love him, and even though I know that they love us both very much, it breaks my heart that they don't show affection. Despite all of this, I have always liked his mother very, very much and in many ways see characteristics of her in my husband. I give you this background because I have been thinking about my mother-in-law for days now and as I sit here I am consumed by thoughts of wanting to speak to this woman. Perhaps it is because my husband is so much like her and I feel that by speaking to her I would somehow be speaking to him - the person I want to speak to most in the world, but who bristles when I am even in the same room as him. I want to cry with my mother-in-law and have her wrap her arms around me and hold me and tell me everything will be okay. I want her to say that she loves me like she would her own daughter and that regardless of everything that is happening, she knows that her son loves me too. I truly would give anything right now just to have the comfort of hearing her voice. I had a dream about her last night and in my dream this is what happened - she was hugging me and reassuring me, telling me that this road out of Hell would be long and hard but that we would make it and everything would eventually be okay. She said he and I would come out of this and that our relationship would be better and stronger than it ever had been before. I trusted her and believed what she was saying, knowing it was the truth because she is his mother and mothers are superheros who can fix anything. My superhero mother-in-law was saving the day... and then I woke up.
Friday, August 28, 2009
The Hole
Have you ever looked at someone whom you thought you knew and realized you don't know them at all? Have you ever just wanted to be near someone, not to talk to them but just to be there sitting with them - if nothing else to be breathing the same air as them, and known that they were simply hoping you would leave the room? Have you ever felt so sad and so alone that you were amazed by the fact that you were even remembering to breathe at all, much less hoping to breathe the same air as someone else? Have you ever found yourself in a hole - a hole that was dark and seemingly unending? That is where I am. I am in that hole. Part of me wants to lie down in this hole, to close my eyes and just to be. Yet another part of me wants to scream and shout and claw my way out. I wonder if there is an in-between?
Earlier this evening, when all I wanted to do is sit in the same room as him (not even talking - just sitting) and it seemed as though all he wanted to do was will me to leave the room, I went in and lay down on the guest bed. The bed he has slept in for the past five nights. I lay in "his spot" and clung to his pillow, breathing in his scent. I sobbed and sobbed into his pillow until it was soaked with my tears. I sobbed until I fell asleep, clinging to that pillow as if it actually were my husband. It's funny how things like this can provide comfort. When I was a little girl I had a cousin whom I absolutely adored - I mean, to me she walked on water, she was the coolest thing ever! One of the last Christmases I ever saw her she gave me this stuffed dog, which I named after her. (I realize that sound a bit cryptic - not to worry, my cousin is alive and well, but that's another story and one that is not mine to tell.) Anyway, that stuffed dog has always given me comfort, although I am not sure why. It was on my bed until the day I graduated from high school, it went to college with me, and even now it has a spot in my home (yes an actual spot - not just packed away in a box.) The night that my world came crashing down I picked up that stuffed dog and clung to it - as if it would save me, and I have slept with it every night since.
I didn't change my hat today, but I did leave the house. I went to see my doctor (which was the "condition" we had when I talked to her office on Monday and she called in an RX for an anti-anxiety medication for me). Needless to say, today she also put me on an antidepressant in addition to what she had prescribed on Monday. There was a time in my life (probably even last week) that this would have embarrassed me - to know that I was on medication for anxiety and/or depression and I would have been mortified if others ever knew. Yet here I sit, writing these words for all the world to read. But, one thing I am taking control over is this, the fact that I am writing this for all of you to read... I AM TAKING MEDICATION FOR ANXIETY AS WELL AS ONE FOR DEPRESSION AND I WILL NOT BE ASHAMED!!!! (Wow, that felt sort of powerful!!!)
Earlier this evening, when all I wanted to do is sit in the same room as him (not even talking - just sitting) and it seemed as though all he wanted to do was will me to leave the room, I went in and lay down on the guest bed. The bed he has slept in for the past five nights. I lay in "his spot" and clung to his pillow, breathing in his scent. I sobbed and sobbed into his pillow until it was soaked with my tears. I sobbed until I fell asleep, clinging to that pillow as if it actually were my husband. It's funny how things like this can provide comfort. When I was a little girl I had a cousin whom I absolutely adored - I mean, to me she walked on water, she was the coolest thing ever! One of the last Christmases I ever saw her she gave me this stuffed dog, which I named after her. (I realize that sound a bit cryptic - not to worry, my cousin is alive and well, but that's another story and one that is not mine to tell.) Anyway, that stuffed dog has always given me comfort, although I am not sure why. It was on my bed until the day I graduated from high school, it went to college with me, and even now it has a spot in my home (yes an actual spot - not just packed away in a box.) The night that my world came crashing down I picked up that stuffed dog and clung to it - as if it would save me, and I have slept with it every night since.
I didn't change my hat today, but I did leave the house. I went to see my doctor (which was the "condition" we had when I talked to her office on Monday and she called in an RX for an anti-anxiety medication for me). Needless to say, today she also put me on an antidepressant in addition to what she had prescribed on Monday. There was a time in my life (probably even last week) that this would have embarrassed me - to know that I was on medication for anxiety and/or depression and I would have been mortified if others ever knew. Yet here I sit, writing these words for all the world to read. But, one thing I am taking control over is this, the fact that I am writing this for all of you to read... I AM TAKING MEDICATION FOR ANXIETY AS WELL AS ONE FOR DEPRESSION AND I WILL NOT BE ASHAMED!!!! (Wow, that felt sort of powerful!!!)
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Thank God for Great Counselors!
I have to give a shout-out to the super, wonderful, incredibly awesome guidance counselor at my school. She rarely gets the credit that she deserves, but she TOTALLY ROCKS!!!! She talked to me on the phone today when I was at a pretty low point (I have realized that mornings are my worst). She listened and provided amazing insight. Before we hung up she left me with three things I needed to do:
1) Think about the hats that I wear.
Yes, I am a wife but that is only one hat. I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, a neighbor, a teacher, as well as many other things. It's okay to take off my "wife hat" for awhile and put one of the other hats on. I need to take care of myself (my core), which includes eating and sleeping - two things I haven't been doing well. I can't sit around all day and think about this situation because it's going to make me nuts (more so than I am at this moment - LOL). I keep saying I don't know how to function, but of course I don't because I am letting this situation consume me. Yes, it is a priority (my number one) but I can choose to focus on other things some too and that is okay - it's healthy! It's time to start putting some of my other hats back on.
2) Utilize relaxation techniques.
Allow myself one hour a day to get mad and yell and throw things if I need to or just sit and cry and think about all of this that is going on. Then , after an hour, be done with it. I can't wallow in this or it will eat me up. After that hour I need to find a way to relax - exercise, read, shop, etc. - whatever works, but just relax.
3) Give and receive space.
Yes, he and I need to talk about what has happened - but it can't be every minute we are together because that could have the opposite effect and actually push us further apart. Set a time to talk about this and when that time is up, put it to rest for the day. In conjunction with this, I need to find time to give to myself; I must love myself. Appreciate and love the great person that I am! (And I did this today, sort of... believe it or not, I went to Starbucks!!! Who knew that a hot soy caramel macchiato could have such power!?!?!)
1) Think about the hats that I wear.
Yes, I am a wife but that is only one hat. I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, a neighbor, a teacher, as well as many other things. It's okay to take off my "wife hat" for awhile and put one of the other hats on. I need to take care of myself (my core), which includes eating and sleeping - two things I haven't been doing well. I can't sit around all day and think about this situation because it's going to make me nuts (more so than I am at this moment - LOL). I keep saying I don't know how to function, but of course I don't because I am letting this situation consume me. Yes, it is a priority (my number one) but I can choose to focus on other things some too and that is okay - it's healthy! It's time to start putting some of my other hats back on.
2) Utilize relaxation techniques.
Allow myself one hour a day to get mad and yell and throw things if I need to or just sit and cry and think about all of this that is going on. Then , after an hour, be done with it. I can't wallow in this or it will eat me up. After that hour I need to find a way to relax - exercise, read, shop, etc. - whatever works, but just relax.
3) Give and receive space.
Yes, he and I need to talk about what has happened - but it can't be every minute we are together because that could have the opposite effect and actually push us further apart. Set a time to talk about this and when that time is up, put it to rest for the day. In conjunction with this, I need to find time to give to myself; I must love myself. Appreciate and love the great person that I am! (And I did this today, sort of... believe it or not, I went to Starbucks!!! Who knew that a hot soy caramel macchiato could have such power!?!?!)
Hope
There were several moments on Wednesday that I was in near panic mode! My mind raced with worry filled thoughts of what his counseling session might bring and if he would come home. He did come home! His session really helped him (which I actually think surprised him). His counselor shared some really great insight about affairs:
* An affair is a symptom of a sick marriage.
* A marriage can heal from an affair.
We talked for a long, long time. I had all of the questions rolling around in my head - many of which I did not want to ask, but if not given voice they would have eaten me alive. I told him after this I do not want her name spoken in our home again, nor do I want to speak of his relationship with her. I only want to work on us - exploring how we got to this point (which includes both of our roles in this), how we can move forward, and how we can find a "new normal" (because the "old normal" clearly was not working). However, before I could do this I needed to know how it all began - how did his relationship with this coworker turn into an affair. He explained that she has always been very flirty with him (I have actually witnessed this at a work function a few years ago. At the time my friend and I commented on the audacity of this woman, and her friend, to flirt with both of our husbands while we were right there.) Anyway, earlier this summer they were at a work function. All were drinking; they were flirting. He gave her a ride home... and stayed. Yes, he spent the night at her house! Here is the kicker - he had called me and told me he'd had too much to drink to drive home. He said that another coworker (a male) had offered his couch for him to crash on. He said he would come home if I wanted him to but of course I told him to stay ~ I wasn't going to have him drive home drunk, especially a 40 minute drive. I nearly vomited when he told me this. Unknowingly, I had given him permission to spend the night with her. This will haunt me forever. I told him I needed to know that his affair with her was done - both the physical and the emotional, I needed to know that he had cut all ties. (His counselor calls this "extra curricular activities" - LOL.) He told me that he has still been talking with her, but that he promised he would end that tomorrow. I have to trust that this is true. I also explained that I needed to understand where his head was at the time - was he looking to build a life with her or was this just a "fling". He said, "Never at any time had I planned on leaving you for her."
We talked a long, long time. At one point he said, "hang on" and he went to his car and brought back a piece of paper. It was a paper written by his counselor that has various things to consider. She had told him he could choose to keep these things to himself or share them with me. He chose to share them with me - that has to mean something (right?!?!?). From this list we chose some "rules" that the two of us would agree to:
1) All extra curricular activities will stop.
2) We will have open and honest communication.
3) We will both always come home. (He hadn't realized what a stress this was for me.)
4) We will go slow - no rash decision making. (We have been in this marriage for seven year - we don't walk away in seven days. It took time to get to this point and it will take time to heal.)
This is a start! Neither of us are walking out and we are going to take things slow and consider our decisions. For the first time in four days I can see a ray of hope. Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your prayers. I can feel you lift us up. Please keep praying!!! Pray for my strength to get through this. Pray for clarity and guidance for him and me. Pray that we will find our way back to each other again.
* An affair is a symptom of a sick marriage.
* A marriage can heal from an affair.
We talked for a long, long time. I had all of the questions rolling around in my head - many of which I did not want to ask, but if not given voice they would have eaten me alive. I told him after this I do not want her name spoken in our home again, nor do I want to speak of his relationship with her. I only want to work on us - exploring how we got to this point (which includes both of our roles in this), how we can move forward, and how we can find a "new normal" (because the "old normal" clearly was not working). However, before I could do this I needed to know how it all began - how did his relationship with this coworker turn into an affair. He explained that she has always been very flirty with him (I have actually witnessed this at a work function a few years ago. At the time my friend and I commented on the audacity of this woman, and her friend, to flirt with both of our husbands while we were right there.) Anyway, earlier this summer they were at a work function. All were drinking; they were flirting. He gave her a ride home... and stayed. Yes, he spent the night at her house! Here is the kicker - he had called me and told me he'd had too much to drink to drive home. He said that another coworker (a male) had offered his couch for him to crash on. He said he would come home if I wanted him to but of course I told him to stay ~ I wasn't going to have him drive home drunk, especially a 40 minute drive. I nearly vomited when he told me this. Unknowingly, I had given him permission to spend the night with her. This will haunt me forever. I told him I needed to know that his affair with her was done - both the physical and the emotional, I needed to know that he had cut all ties. (His counselor calls this "extra curricular activities" - LOL.) He told me that he has still been talking with her, but that he promised he would end that tomorrow. I have to trust that this is true. I also explained that I needed to understand where his head was at the time - was he looking to build a life with her or was this just a "fling". He said, "Never at any time had I planned on leaving you for her."
We talked a long, long time. At one point he said, "hang on" and he went to his car and brought back a piece of paper. It was a paper written by his counselor that has various things to consider. She had told him he could choose to keep these things to himself or share them with me. He chose to share them with me - that has to mean something (right?!?!?). From this list we chose some "rules" that the two of us would agree to:
1) All extra curricular activities will stop.
2) We will have open and honest communication.
3) We will both always come home. (He hadn't realized what a stress this was for me.)
4) We will go slow - no rash decision making. (We have been in this marriage for seven year - we don't walk away in seven days. It took time to get to this point and it will take time to heal.)
This is a start! Neither of us are walking out and we are going to take things slow and consider our decisions. For the first time in four days I can see a ray of hope. Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your prayers. I can feel you lift us up. Please keep praying!!! Pray for my strength to get through this. Pray for clarity and guidance for him and me. Pray that we will find our way back to each other again.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Emotions
It's strange how I can feel so calm and hopeful one minute and then just completely fall apart the next. I have been sitting here crying uncontrollably - the wailing guttural moaning kind and I just can't stop. It's raining here and I just feel like the rain is really my tears, pouring down for all to see and hear and feel. I had a computer question (about this blog actually) and I picked up my phone without even thinking to call my husband - the person who knows all about computers and can fix anything. And then I realized what I was doing and I hung up. I called a friend of one of my brothers to get his help saying, "I have a computer question and I didn't know who else to call". He kind of laughed and said, "And you didn't call your husband?" It shocked me for a moment, but then I realized why wouldn't he ask me this, he doesn't know there is anything going on and yes, my husband would have been the natural person to call. The only response I could give him is, "No, I didn't call him."
Someone asked me yesterday if I was more angry or hurt and I told them I really don't know - it changes minute by minute, but I guess mostly I am just hurting. I keep asking WHY??? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING??? THIS IS NOT MY LIFE!!! My mind is racing with all of these questions, both things I feel I MUST know the answers to but also things that I know I probably don't want to know. I am consumed by thoughts of what will happen when he goes to the counselor today at 4:00 and what the outcome of this will bring. I honestly do not think I am strong enough to get through this - I just don't.
Please pray!!! Pray for my srength to get through this. Pray for clarity and guidance for him and me. Pray that we will find our way back to each other again.
Someone asked me yesterday if I was more angry or hurt and I told them I really don't know - it changes minute by minute, but I guess mostly I am just hurting. I keep asking WHY??? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING??? THIS IS NOT MY LIFE!!! My mind is racing with all of these questions, both things I feel I MUST know the answers to but also things that I know I probably don't want to know. I am consumed by thoughts of what will happen when he goes to the counselor today at 4:00 and what the outcome of this will bring. I honestly do not think I am strong enough to get through this - I just don't.
Please pray!!! Pray for my srength to get through this. Pray for clarity and guidance for him and me. Pray that we will find our way back to each other again.
The Waiting Game
I have stayed home from work for the past three days. I don't know if that is making things better or worse - on the one hand I suppose it would occupy my mind more but on the other I can't even function here at my house, how can I do it in a room of 18 children?
He came home again last night (yay!!!) but only after stopping over at his friend's house. This is the same friend he used as his alibi (unbeknown to the friend who I actually told on Monday - he too was shocked). Anyway, he called and asked if I cared if he stopped by and I wanted to scream, "HELL NO, GET YOUR BUTT HOME!!!!!!!!!" but I didn't. I told him to go ahead. I have to trust. I have to trust that is where he was going. He has told very few people about this. And he says that the two people he has told were told after I found out - the alibi friend and one other, both from his work and both who know this other woman. I am sure he needs support from his friends just as much as I do so that is why I told him it was fine for him to go there - I would rather he get support from his friends than from her. When he finally did get home we didn't really talk at all, but he didn't go down to the basement and get on the computer (as he usually would have done) he sat in the same room with me. We watched t.v. together and he tried to get me to eat something. He went to bed at 9:00, sleeping in the guest room for the third night (which I did not ask him to do, he chose on his own). Last night (Tuesday) felt so much less hopeful than Monday night (marathon talk night) did.
I keep telling him that I love him, like when he goes to bed and leaves for work (just like I always did). I can tell it makes him uncomfortable - some of the times he has sighed and mumbled it back while other times he just looks at me. But I don't care he has to know how I feel. I am here. I love and support him. I am committed to him and our marriage. Even as I write these words I surprise myself and I know it surprises him too. He thought I would act crazy and throw things and boot him out of the house and to be honest, if you would have ever asked me how I would deal with a situation like this that is exactly what I would have said I would do. I have always said "once a cheater always a cheater" and that I would never stay with someone who had cheated on me. But, I guess once you are in the situation it is so different. I have told a few of you that at times I feel like I am channeling this person that isn't even me - this person that is reacting in ways that I never thought that I would. It is true. I mean sure, I do have my "crazy train" moments. Like on Sunday night when he FINALLY told the truth after lying and changing his story over and over throughout the day (the reason he finally told the truth is because he went up to bed a few minutes before me and I went to get a drink of water. As I walked out of the kitchen his phone buzzed so I looked at it and it was an email from her... "I am sorry this is happening but know that I don't regret anything we have done. I just want you to be happy." I stormed upstairs, his phone in my hand, screaming like a lunatic for him to quit lying and tell me what was going on). I don't even remember the time from 11:30PM-1:30AM on Sunday into Monday - it's all a blur of anger. At one point during that time he said he was going to go sleep in the guest room because he was afraid I might "do something" to him (this is also why he would not tell me her last name - I think he was surprised later on when I found out her name on my own). Anyway, when he said that I replied, "You aren't worth the punishment I would get for doing something to you. What you really should be worried about is that I am going to sit up all night long and cut the crotch out of all of your pants so that your penis can roam free tomorrow at work." I was so proud of this witty comment that I had made - I am usually the person who thinks of the "good comeback" several hours after the fact. But honestly, those two hours were my only crazy ones. Part of me wonders if he was hoping that I would throw him out of the house - make it easier for him because then he would not have to walk out, I would be the "bad one" for having thrown him out and then he could go to her. But I will not do that. I will not make it that easy for him. As I have said, I am here and I am committed to making this work. If he walks out on us, walks out on our marriage and the life we have together, then he does it on his own. He has to make that choice and take responsibility for it.
He did call and get an appointment with a councilor for next Thursday the 3rd, but I told him that was a really long time away and asked if he could go sooner. First he said no but later he said he would call and see. He goes in today at 4:00. In some ways I am thrilled but in other ways I feel such immense dread. I wonder what will happen. Will he come home and say he wants to work things out? Will he come home and say he is done and that he want to walk out on our life forever? How will my life have changed once again 24 hours from now? Those of you who know me know that I hate change (almost as much as I hate germs), and this is the epitome of that - this weird limbo land that I am sitting in. It's a weird kind of waiting game not knowing what will happen tonight and what he will come home and say. I hate it!!!! On Monday I cleaned the house to keep my mind occupied (though the hysterical crying) and I found a fortune cookie that says, "Be patient, you will hear comforting news." I am clinging to this fortune as if it really can tell my future.
The night that he and I went on our first date back in college I knew I was going to marry him. It was just this weird feeling I had, which I had never felt before - I really just knew. I remember telling my two best friends this when I got home from the date and they just laughed and I said, "It's okay if you don't believe me, but it's true just wait and see." After saying this to them I prayed. I prayed to God about this wonderful man that I had just met and I remember saying "I am turning this over to you God, I am putting this in your hands. If we are meant to be I know you will make that happen." And HE did!!! I am saying that same prayer again and also praying for so much more. Please help by praying too!!! Pray for my strength to get through this. Pray for clarity and guidance for him and me. Pray that we will find our way back to each other again.
He came home again last night (yay!!!) but only after stopping over at his friend's house. This is the same friend he used as his alibi (unbeknown to the friend who I actually told on Monday - he too was shocked). Anyway, he called and asked if I cared if he stopped by and I wanted to scream, "HELL NO, GET YOUR BUTT HOME!!!!!!!!!" but I didn't. I told him to go ahead. I have to trust. I have to trust that is where he was going. He has told very few people about this. And he says that the two people he has told were told after I found out - the alibi friend and one other, both from his work and both who know this other woman. I am sure he needs support from his friends just as much as I do so that is why I told him it was fine for him to go there - I would rather he get support from his friends than from her. When he finally did get home we didn't really talk at all, but he didn't go down to the basement and get on the computer (as he usually would have done) he sat in the same room with me. We watched t.v. together and he tried to get me to eat something. He went to bed at 9:00, sleeping in the guest room for the third night (which I did not ask him to do, he chose on his own). Last night (Tuesday) felt so much less hopeful than Monday night (marathon talk night) did.
I keep telling him that I love him, like when he goes to bed and leaves for work (just like I always did). I can tell it makes him uncomfortable - some of the times he has sighed and mumbled it back while other times he just looks at me. But I don't care he has to know how I feel. I am here. I love and support him. I am committed to him and our marriage. Even as I write these words I surprise myself and I know it surprises him too. He thought I would act crazy and throw things and boot him out of the house and to be honest, if you would have ever asked me how I would deal with a situation like this that is exactly what I would have said I would do. I have always said "once a cheater always a cheater" and that I would never stay with someone who had cheated on me. But, I guess once you are in the situation it is so different. I have told a few of you that at times I feel like I am channeling this person that isn't even me - this person that is reacting in ways that I never thought that I would. It is true. I mean sure, I do have my "crazy train" moments. Like on Sunday night when he FINALLY told the truth after lying and changing his story over and over throughout the day (the reason he finally told the truth is because he went up to bed a few minutes before me and I went to get a drink of water. As I walked out of the kitchen his phone buzzed so I looked at it and it was an email from her... "I am sorry this is happening but know that I don't regret anything we have done. I just want you to be happy." I stormed upstairs, his phone in my hand, screaming like a lunatic for him to quit lying and tell me what was going on). I don't even remember the time from 11:30PM-1:30AM on Sunday into Monday - it's all a blur of anger. At one point during that time he said he was going to go sleep in the guest room because he was afraid I might "do something" to him (this is also why he would not tell me her last name - I think he was surprised later on when I found out her name on my own). Anyway, when he said that I replied, "You aren't worth the punishment I would get for doing something to you. What you really should be worried about is that I am going to sit up all night long and cut the crotch out of all of your pants so that your penis can roam free tomorrow at work." I was so proud of this witty comment that I had made - I am usually the person who thinks of the "good comeback" several hours after the fact. But honestly, those two hours were my only crazy ones. Part of me wonders if he was hoping that I would throw him out of the house - make it easier for him because then he would not have to walk out, I would be the "bad one" for having thrown him out and then he could go to her. But I will not do that. I will not make it that easy for him. As I have said, I am here and I am committed to making this work. If he walks out on us, walks out on our marriage and the life we have together, then he does it on his own. He has to make that choice and take responsibility for it.
He did call and get an appointment with a councilor for next Thursday the 3rd, but I told him that was a really long time away and asked if he could go sooner. First he said no but later he said he would call and see. He goes in today at 4:00. In some ways I am thrilled but in other ways I feel such immense dread. I wonder what will happen. Will he come home and say he wants to work things out? Will he come home and say he is done and that he want to walk out on our life forever? How will my life have changed once again 24 hours from now? Those of you who know me know that I hate change (almost as much as I hate germs), and this is the epitome of that - this weird limbo land that I am sitting in. It's a weird kind of waiting game not knowing what will happen tonight and what he will come home and say. I hate it!!!! On Monday I cleaned the house to keep my mind occupied (though the hysterical crying) and I found a fortune cookie that says, "Be patient, you will hear comforting news." I am clinging to this fortune as if it really can tell my future.
The night that he and I went on our first date back in college I knew I was going to marry him. It was just this weird feeling I had, which I had never felt before - I really just knew. I remember telling my two best friends this when I got home from the date and they just laughed and I said, "It's okay if you don't believe me, but it's true just wait and see." After saying this to them I prayed. I prayed to God about this wonderful man that I had just met and I remember saying "I am turning this over to you God, I am putting this in your hands. If we are meant to be I know you will make that happen." And HE did!!! I am saying that same prayer again and also praying for so much more. Please help by praying too!!! Pray for my strength to get through this. Pray for clarity and guidance for him and me. Pray that we will find our way back to each other again.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
The Journey Begins
I went to my counseling session last night. It went good. It was different than I thought it would be, although I suppose I didn't really have anything to compare it to. Here is what I learned: This is not my fault and I didn't do anything wrong... these are choices he made. He chose to shut me out, he chose to begin an affair with this woman, he chose to sleep with her. I was feeling very frustrated (for lack of a better term) because as he told me (while I was hysterical - literally) he seemed so cold and indifferent. The counselor helped me understand that this is because he has had time to process it, but for me it is was just this bomb that has suddenly exploded - one that I didn't even see coming. I am angry at him for doing this. I am angry about the lying. I am angry about all the times he seemed distant and I would ask him what was wrong and he would say "nothing". Why didn't I push it? I am angry at myself for all the signs I actually did see but he told me I was "crazy" and "paranoid" so I let it go. (I actually had a dream a few weeks ago that he was having an affair. The next morning I asked him about it and he laughed and said I was being "ridiculous".) I have said often over the past few days that I wish I could go back to Saturday - back before all of this happened. The counselor helped me realize that on Saturday this was still happening , I just didn't know about it. (Ignorance really is bliss!!!)
My biggest fear yesterday was that he would not come home from work. Praise God he did!!! But, when I got home form my counseling appointment he was sleeping down on the couch in the basement and when I tried to wake him up he just mumbled at me and rolled over. Discouraged and broken hearted (if there was any of my heart left to break) I went upstairs and my super wonderful teaching partner called to see how I was doing. She made me eat some toast (it had been about 36 hours since I had eaten) and then said, "He doesn't get to just sleep through this and pretend nothing has happened. Go down and wake him up and make him talk to you." So I did.
He didn't want to talk at first, even saying no. But I kept pushing and said we had to. It worked and we ended up talking for three and a half hours. I told him I can't keep questioning and doubting everything he is saying to me and from this point on I am going to CHOOSE to believe him, but in doing so he has to agree to be honest with me. He admitted the affair has been going on for two months (significantly longer than what he originally said); he says he hasn't slept with her for two weeks but he does still talk to her (at work and via email). I told him it hurt me that he had not apologized and he said, "that is the hardest part, knowing that I have hurt you". I asked him if he felt guilty about what he had done and he said, "I think I feel guilty that I don't feel guilt." (OUCH!!) I asked him what kind of woman sleeps with a married man and he said that she "felt bad because it had also happened to her". (Yes, that is right - she was cheated on herself, so she knows exactly how this feels. She sounds so classy, right!?!?) I can say with 100% certainty, having gone through this I will NEVER do it to another person.
At the beginning of our conversation I asked him what his plan was - did he want to just walk away after nearly seven year of marriage or did he want to work this out. Did he want to leave and have a life with her and her 3-year-old child (oh yes, she has a kid... and he has interacted with the kid... that hurts!) He said he "didn't know" and that he "hadn't thought about it". I told him, "Well I love you and I know you say you don't love me but I know you can think back to a time when you did." I told him that right now, at this moment in time, I am committed to him and our marriage and working this out. I am willing to go do counseling and do whatever we need to do. He agreed to go to a counselor on this own (like what I am doing). I told him I wanted us to go to couples counseling too but he would not commit to that, he just said "perhaps" (but at last that is not a "no"). It was odd because there were times during our conversation that things just seemed so normal - like we were talking about anything but this horrible wretched thing he has done. At time we were even smiling and laughing. I have to hold on to that!
Over the past 24 hours I have been debating whether or not to go away for a few days to clear my head or to stay her. There are two ways to look at it. Of course I want to run away - who wouldn't? I want to be in a place where I feel safe and loved, a place where no one will hurt me. This is not that kind of place. On the other hand, leaving doesn't it make it untrue. Plus, what does it say if I leave, even temporarily? Does it say that I'm done; that I'm not willing to try and work this out? I am NOT ready to say those things. He told me during our marathon conversation that he was asked to go out of town for work. He would have left today and been gone for a week or more. I know that in his line of work, asking is more of a formality - when you are "asked" you are expected to go. But, he told them no, that there was no way he could leave right now. He had an easy out right in front of him and he chose to stay. That has to mean something, right!?!?
Please pray!!! Pray for my strength to get through this. Pray for clarity and guidance for him and me. Pray that we will find our way back to each other again.
My biggest fear yesterday was that he would not come home from work. Praise God he did!!! But, when I got home form my counseling appointment he was sleeping down on the couch in the basement and when I tried to wake him up he just mumbled at me and rolled over. Discouraged and broken hearted (if there was any of my heart left to break) I went upstairs and my super wonderful teaching partner called to see how I was doing. She made me eat some toast (it had been about 36 hours since I had eaten) and then said, "He doesn't get to just sleep through this and pretend nothing has happened. Go down and wake him up and make him talk to you." So I did.
He didn't want to talk at first, even saying no. But I kept pushing and said we had to. It worked and we ended up talking for three and a half hours. I told him I can't keep questioning and doubting everything he is saying to me and from this point on I am going to CHOOSE to believe him, but in doing so he has to agree to be honest with me. He admitted the affair has been going on for two months (significantly longer than what he originally said); he says he hasn't slept with her for two weeks but he does still talk to her (at work and via email). I told him it hurt me that he had not apologized and he said, "that is the hardest part, knowing that I have hurt you". I asked him if he felt guilty about what he had done and he said, "I think I feel guilty that I don't feel guilt." (OUCH!!) I asked him what kind of woman sleeps with a married man and he said that she "felt bad because it had also happened to her". (Yes, that is right - she was cheated on herself, so she knows exactly how this feels. She sounds so classy, right!?!?) I can say with 100% certainty, having gone through this I will NEVER do it to another person.
At the beginning of our conversation I asked him what his plan was - did he want to just walk away after nearly seven year of marriage or did he want to work this out. Did he want to leave and have a life with her and her 3-year-old child (oh yes, she has a kid... and he has interacted with the kid... that hurts!) He said he "didn't know" and that he "hadn't thought about it". I told him, "Well I love you and I know you say you don't love me but I know you can think back to a time when you did." I told him that right now, at this moment in time, I am committed to him and our marriage and working this out. I am willing to go do counseling and do whatever we need to do. He agreed to go to a counselor on this own (like what I am doing). I told him I wanted us to go to couples counseling too but he would not commit to that, he just said "perhaps" (but at last that is not a "no"). It was odd because there were times during our conversation that things just seemed so normal - like we were talking about anything but this horrible wretched thing he has done. At time we were even smiling and laughing. I have to hold on to that!
Over the past 24 hours I have been debating whether or not to go away for a few days to clear my head or to stay her. There are two ways to look at it. Of course I want to run away - who wouldn't? I want to be in a place where I feel safe and loved, a place where no one will hurt me. This is not that kind of place. On the other hand, leaving doesn't it make it untrue. Plus, what does it say if I leave, even temporarily? Does it say that I'm done; that I'm not willing to try and work this out? I am NOT ready to say those things. He told me during our marathon conversation that he was asked to go out of town for work. He would have left today and been gone for a week or more. I know that in his line of work, asking is more of a formality - when you are "asked" you are expected to go. But, he told them no, that there was no way he could leave right now. He had an easy out right in front of him and he chose to stay. That has to mean something, right!?!?
Please pray!!! Pray for my strength to get through this. Pray for clarity and guidance for him and me. Pray that we will find our way back to each other again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)