The Journey Begins

I went to my counseling session last night. It went good. It was different than I thought it would be, although I suppose I didn't really have anything to compare it to. Here is what I learned: This is not my fault and I didn't do anything wrong... these are choices he made. He chose to shut me out, he chose to begin an affair with this woman, he chose to sleep with her. I was feeling very frustrated (for lack of a better term) because as he told me (while I was hysterical - literally) he seemed so cold and indifferent. The counselor helped me understand that this is because he has had time to process it, but for me it is was just this bomb that has suddenly exploded - one that I didn't even see coming. I am angry at him for doing this. I am angry about the lying. I am angry about all the times he seemed distant and I would ask him what was wrong and he would say "nothing". Why didn't I push it? I am angry at myself for all the signs I actually did see but he told me I was "crazy" and "paranoid" so I let it go. (I actually had a dream a few weeks ago that he was having an affair. The next morning I asked him about it and he laughed and said I was being "ridiculous".) I have said often over the past few days that I wish I could go back to Saturday - back before all of this happened. The counselor helped me realize that on Saturday this was still happening , I just didn't know about it. (Ignorance really is bliss!!!)

My biggest fear yesterday was that he would not come home from work. Praise God he did!!! But, when I got home form my counseling appointment he was sleeping down on the couch in the basement and when I tried to wake him up he just mumbled at me and rolled over. Discouraged and broken hearted (if there was any of my heart left to break) I went upstairs and my super wonderful teaching partner called to see how I was doing. She made me eat some toast (it had been about 36 hours since I had eaten) and then said, "He doesn't get to just sleep through this and pretend nothing has happened. Go down and wake him up and make him talk to you." So I did.

He didn't want to talk at first, even saying no. But I kept pushing and said we had to. It worked and we ended up talking for three and a half hours. I told him I can't keep questioning and doubting everything he is saying to me and from this point on I am going to CHOOSE to believe him, but in doing so he has to agree to be honest with me. He admitted the affair has been going on for two months (significantly longer than what he originally said); he says he hasn't slept with her for two weeks but he does still talk to her (at work and via email). I told him it hurt me that he had not apologized and he said, "that is the hardest part, knowing that I have hurt you". I asked him if he felt guilty about what he had done and he said, "I think I feel guilty that I don't feel guilt." (OUCH!!) I asked him what kind of woman sleeps with a married man and he said that she "felt bad because it had also happened to her". (Yes, that is right - she was cheated on herself, so she knows exactly how this feels. She sounds so classy, right!?!?) I can say with 100% certainty, having gone through this I will NEVER do it to another person.

At the beginning of our conversation I asked him what his plan was - did he want to just walk away after nearly seven year of marriage or did he want to work this out. Did he want to leave and have a life with her and her 3-year-old child (oh yes, she has a kid... and he has interacted with the kid... that hurts!) He said he "didn't know" and that he "hadn't thought about it". I told him, "Well I love you and I know you say you don't love me but I know you can think back to a time when you did." I told him that right now, at this moment in time, I am committed to him and our marriage and working this out. I am willing to go do counseling and do whatever we need to do. He agreed to go to a counselor on this own (like what I am doing). I told him I wanted us to go to couples counseling too but he would not commit to that, he just said "perhaps" (but at last that is not a "no"). It was odd because there were times during our conversation that things just seemed so normal - like we were talking about anything but this horrible wretched thing he has done. At time we were even smiling and laughing. I have to hold on to that!

Over the past 24 hours I have been debating whether or not to go away for a few days to clear my head or to stay her. There are two ways to look at it. Of course I want to run away - who wouldn't? I want to be in a place where I feel safe and loved, a place where no one will hurt me. This is not that kind of place. On the other hand, leaving doesn't it make it untrue. Plus, what does it say if I leave, even temporarily? Does it say that I'm done; that I'm not willing to try and work this out? I am NOT ready to say those things. He told me during our marathon conversation that he was asked to go out of town for work. He would have left today and been gone for a week or more. I know that in his line of work, asking is more of a formality - when you are "asked" you are expected to go. But, he told them no, that there was no way he could leave right now. He had an easy out right in front of him and he chose to stay. That has to mean something, right!?!?

Please pray!!! Pray for my strength to get through this. Pray for clarity and guidance for him and me. Pray that we will find our way back to each other again.