Hope

There were several moments on Wednesday that I was in near panic mode! My mind raced with worry filled thoughts of what his counseling session might bring and if he would come home. He did come home! His session really helped him (which I actually think surprised him). His counselor shared some really great insight about affairs:

* An affair is a symptom of a sick marriage.

* A marriage can heal from an affair.

We talked for a long, long time. I had all of the questions rolling around in my head - many of which I did not want to ask, but if not given voice they would have eaten me alive. I told him after this I do not want her name spoken in our home again, nor do I want to speak of his relationship with her. I only want to work on us - exploring how we got to this point (which includes both of our roles in this), how we can move forward, and how we can find a "new normal" (because the "old normal" clearly was not working). However, before I could do this I needed to know how it all began - how did his relationship with this coworker turn into an affair. He explained that she has always been very flirty with him (I have actually witnessed this at a work function a few years ago. At the time my friend and I commented on the audacity of this woman, and her friend, to flirt with both of our husbands while we were right there.) Anyway, earlier this summer they were at a work function. All were drinking; they were flirting. He gave her a ride home... and stayed. Yes, he spent the night at her house! Here is the kicker - he had called me and told me he'd had too much to drink to drive home. He said that another coworker (a male) had offered his couch for him to crash on. He said he would come home if I wanted him to but of course I told him to stay ~ I wasn't going to have him drive home drunk, especially a 40 minute drive. I nearly vomited when he told me this. Unknowingly, I had given him permission to spend the night with her. This will haunt me forever. I told him I needed to know that his affair with her was done - both the physical and the emotional, I needed to know that he had cut all ties. (His counselor calls this "extra curricular activities" - LOL.) He told me that he has still been talking with her, but that he promised he would end that tomorrow. I have to trust that this is true. I also explained that I needed to understand where his head was at the time - was he looking to build a life with her or was this just a "fling". He said, "Never at any time had I planned on leaving you for her."

We talked a long, long time. At one point he said, "hang on" and he went to his car and brought back a piece of paper. It was a paper written by his counselor that has various things to consider. She had told him he could choose to keep these things to himself or share them with me. He chose to share them with me - that has to mean something (right?!?!?). From this list we chose some "rules" that the two of us would agree to:

1) All extra curricular activities will stop.

2) We will have open and honest communication.

3) We will both always come home. (He hadn't realized what a stress this was for me.)

4) We will go slow - no rash decision making. (We have been in this marriage for seven year - we don't walk away in seven days. It took time to get to this point and it will take time to heal.)

This is a start! Neither of us are walking out and we are going to take things slow and consider our decisions. For the first time in four days I can see a ray of hope. Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your prayers. I can feel you lift us up. Please keep praying!!! Pray for my strength to get through this. Pray for clarity and guidance for him and me. Pray that we will find our way back to each other again.