The Waiting Game

I have stayed home from work for the past three days. I don't know if that is making things better or worse - on the one hand I suppose it would occupy my mind more but on the other I can't even function here at my house, how can I do it in a room of 18 children?

He came home again last night (yay!!!) but only after stopping over at his friend's house. This is the same friend he used as his alibi (unbeknown to the friend who I actually told on Monday - he too was shocked). Anyway, he called and asked if I cared if he stopped by and I wanted to scream, "HELL NO, GET YOUR BUTT HOME!!!!!!!!!" but I didn't. I told him to go ahead. I have to trust. I have to trust that is where he was going. He has told very few people about this. And he says that the two people he has told were told after I found out - the alibi friend and one other, both from his work and both who know this other woman. I am sure he needs support from his friends just as much as I do so that is why I told him it was fine for him to go there - I would rather he get support from his friends than from her. When he finally did get home we didn't really talk at all, but he didn't go down to the basement and get on the computer (as he usually would have done) he sat in the same room with me. We watched t.v. together and he tried to get me to eat something. He went to bed at 9:00, sleeping in the guest room for the third night (which I did not ask him to do, he chose on his own). Last night (Tuesday) felt so much less hopeful than Monday night (marathon talk night) did.

I keep telling him that I love him, like when he goes to bed and leaves for work (just like I always did). I can tell it makes him uncomfortable - some of the times he has sighed and mumbled it back while other times he just looks at me. But I don't care he has to know how I feel. I am here. I love and support him. I am committed to him and our marriage. Even as I write these words I surprise myself and I know it surprises him too. He thought I would act crazy and throw things and boot him out of the house and to be honest, if you would have ever asked me how I would deal with a situation like this that is exactly what I would have said I would do. I have always said "once a cheater always a cheater" and that I would never stay with someone who had cheated on me. But, I guess once you are in the situation it is so different. I have told a few of you that at times I feel like I am channeling this person that isn't even me - this person that is reacting in ways that I never thought that I would. It is true. I mean sure, I do have my "crazy train" moments. Like on Sunday night when he FINALLY told the truth after lying and changing his story over and over throughout the day (the reason he finally told the truth is because he went up to bed a few minutes before me and I went to get a drink of water. As I walked out of the kitchen his phone buzzed so I looked at it and it was an email from her... "I am sorry this is happening but know that I don't regret anything we have done. I just want you to be happy." I stormed upstairs, his phone in my hand, screaming like a lunatic for him to quit lying and tell me what was going on). I don't even remember the time from 11:30PM-1:30AM on Sunday into Monday - it's all a blur of anger. At one point during that time he said he was going to go sleep in the guest room because he was afraid I might "do something" to him (this is also why he would not tell me her last name - I think he was surprised later on when I found out her name on my own). Anyway, when he said that I replied, "You aren't worth the punishment I would get for doing something to you. What you really should be worried about is that I am going to sit up all night long and cut the crotch out of all of your pants so that your penis can roam free tomorrow at work." I was so proud of this witty comment that I had made - I am usually the person who thinks of the "good comeback" several hours after the fact. But honestly, those two hours were my only crazy ones. Part of me wonders if he was hoping that I would throw him out of the house - make it easier for him because then he would not have to walk out, I would be the "bad one" for having thrown him out and then he could go to her. But I will not do that. I will not make it that easy for him. As I have said, I am here and I am committed to making this work. If he walks out on us, walks out on our marriage and the life we have together, then he does it on his own. He has to make that choice and take responsibility for it.

He did call and get an appointment with a councilor for next Thursday the 3rd, but I told him that was a really long time away and asked if he could go sooner. First he said no but later he said he would call and see. He goes in today at 4:00. In some ways I am thrilled but in other ways I feel such immense dread. I wonder what will happen. Will he come home and say he wants to work things out? Will he come home and say he is done and that he want to walk out on our life forever? How will my life have changed once again 24 hours from now? Those of you who know me know that I hate change (almost as much as I hate germs), and this is the epitome of that - this weird limbo land that I am sitting in. It's a weird kind of waiting game not knowing what will happen tonight and what he will come home and say. I hate it!!!! On Monday I cleaned the house to keep my mind occupied (though the hysterical crying) and I found a fortune cookie that says, "Be patient, you will hear comforting news." I am clinging to this fortune as if it really can tell my future.

The night that he and I went on our first date back in college I knew I was going to marry him. It was just this weird feeling I had, which I had never felt before - I really just knew. I remember telling my two best friends this when I got home from the date and they just laughed and I said, "It's okay if you don't believe me, but it's true just wait and see." After saying this to them I prayed. I prayed to God about this wonderful man that I had just met and I remember saying "I am turning this over to you God, I am putting this in your hands. If we are meant to be I know you will make that happen." And HE did!!! I am saying that same prayer again and also praying for so much more. Please help by praying too!!! Pray for my strength to get through this. Pray for clarity and guidance for him and me. Pray that we will find our way back to each other again.