Lost

I do not know how to function in this new world that I have found myself in. Sometimes I think of it as amazing that I have even gotten out of bed. As I sit in this foreign new land, I feel extremely lost. I have discovered that there is much I do not know how to do – things that my husband has always done…

• I do not know how to read financial statements, nor do I know anything at all about our finances.

• I do not know which bills come out of which bank accounts, or even which ones are automatically deducted versus ones I need to write checks for.

• I do not know how to make a budget.

• I do not know how to mow the lawn or even how to start the lawn mower. (For real, I don’t! Growing up I had brothers that did this. In college I lived in dorms or apartments so there were people who did it. Then I got married and my husband always did it.)

• Along those same lines, as I look ahead to a Midwest winter, I do not know how to use the snowblower (which is bad because our house is on a large corner lot so there is LOTS of sidewalk to clear.)

• I do not know how to fix the internet when it goes down. Right now the printer isn’t working and I don’t know how to fix that either. (My husband is a computer genius – people pay him to fix theirs, so I have never worried about not knowing how to do these things because I knew he would.)

• I do not know anything about cars or what to do when mine breaks down. (Whenever I have had to take it in, my husband always called in for me and talked to the people and then before they started fixing it they always called him.)

• I do not know how to fix things around the house (another thing my husband was a genius at.)


I am sure there are many more things that I will discover over the next few weeks and months as I move forward. But that’s the thing; I do not know how to move forward. I feel paralyzed in a sea of sadness and fear. Everyone keeps telling me to get mad and stay mad. But this is easier said than done. Yes, there are moments when I truly am furious, but mostly I just feel sad and scared. Most of the time I just feel lost.