House of Cards

I have been feeling for nearly the past two weeks that I live in a house of cards. A house where if I stepped wrong or breathed too heavily or cried to hard, would simply fall. Last night my house of cards fell.

Things started out okay. I had decided at work that I would go down to my parents first thing Saturday morning. My plan on Friday night had been to do some laundry, along with some projects for school - nothing major. As I stated the laundry I went down to the basement (the place my husband "lives") and asked if he had any laundry down there. He gave me some which I put in the basket. I then told him that I was planning to go down to my parents on Saturday. I told him that my leaving for the weekend DID NOT mean I wasn't committed - I was very committed to making things work, but I just needed to clear my head and get out of this constant stress. I told him I knew he needed space as well and so I thought it would be good for him too. He shook his head yes. I should have stood up then and walked out of the room - I should have let things be.... but I didn't.

We ended up having an hour long conversation. I don't remember it word for word (which is odd - I usually can recite conversations back verbatim), I more just remember "chunks" of what was said... In a nutshell, he feels NO GUILT about what he has done and he wonders why he is so "apathetic" to the situation. He said he has still been talking to her, as well. That infuriated me!! I explained that he agreed to no contact with her and it meant just that - NO CONTACT!!!! (He then had the nerve to say, "so you mean I can't talk to anyone?" and I said, "no, I mean you can't talk to people you have been having affairs with if you want to try and work things out with me!") I asked him if he wanted to be with her and he shrugged at me and said, "I enjoy spending time with her." I said, well what does that mean, you don't enjoy spending time with me!? And he said, "Well, not right now." I honestly wanted to slap him!!! But, I reminded myself that I was a classy women I and would not do that. I asked him why he even signed our agreements if he never intended to try - if he never intended to do any of the things he said he would. He said, "I don't know, maybe I was trying to convince myself." I then said, "Well why are you even here then?" He said, "Because my t.v. is here." (GRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is he 10 years old!?!?!?!?!?!) I replied, "No, I mean if you had no intention of trying to work things out then why are you even coming home?" To which he replied, "Well because all my stuff is here." (WHAT!?!?!?!). I said, "Well then you might as well get your stuff and get out." (This is the "nice" version - what I really said involved a lot of cursing.) I then dumped his clothes out of the laundry basket and said, "I hope you know how to use the washing machine." I would say about a half an hour went by and I went upstarts and talked to my mom and brother on the phone. I calmed down and felt better. However, then he went up to the bedroom and changed into shorts and t-shirt (he had been wearing his work clothes). He then picked up his wallet, phone, and keys and I knew he was leaving. I asked were he was going and he said, "to drive around." I asked him where he was going to drive to and he said he didn't know. I asked him if he was going to her house and he said he didn't know. So he left.

I called my parents back and asked them to come and get me. It took them about three hours to get there and I had several wonderful friends who either talked to me on the phone or came to my house and hung out to help me pass the time. My mind was whirling and get this, I then felt bad about dumping out his laundry and despite all of my friends telling me not to, I did his laundry. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?!

My parents arrived a little after midnight to pick me up. We have to drive by the town that he works in (her town) to get to my parents house. Despite the objections of my father, I made him drive by her house. I needed TO SEE with my own eyes if he was there. We did not see his car there, which I suppose is good. I have no idea where he was - maybe his "alibi friend's" house - we did not go by there. Now I am worried about that... worried about where he was/is... worried that he is okay.