Faking It

It's exhausting trying to act happy all of the time! When you're a teacher you always have to be "on" and when you're a teacher of first graders you also always have to be happy. Most of this time this isn't too difficult, except when you are faking it 95% of the time. That's the trouble I'm having, it's hard to act happy when all I want to do is cry and yell and make someone else feel as badly as I do. Tonight we had an Open House at school. I was okay at first, but then as I watched these small children excitedly telling their parents about the goings on in our classroom as their younger siblings clamored around, I began to think about the place in life which I (and I thought my husband) am/were. We are no longer in the partying/stay out all night stage, but rather the settle down and start a family stage. When and why did he suddenly veer from this course? On my drive home I cried; cried for these plans and dreams that have suddenly seemed to have slipped through my fingers. How did this happen? Why did this happen? I am willing to explore a new path with my husband, I truly am. A path which can support both his and my individual goals and dreams, but I cannot do that when he is shutting me out; when he is acting more like a stranger than the man I have been married to for the past seven years. And so, I continue faking it. I smile and wave at my neighbors as I leave for work in the morning. I smile and make polite conversation with coworkers about my night/the weekend (my responses are all lies). I smile and speak to parents, acting as though the education of their child is my #1 priority. I smile and hug children - both current and former students and tell them how excited I am to be at school with them today. These are all things I do every day... all things that I am faking.