Living on a Rollercoaster Ride

I feel like I am living on a roller coaster ride. I have had many highs and lows over the past three days!

Last week after my husband attended his counseling session, he came home very positive and encouraged me to visit his counselor as well. I thought this was a good sign and gave her a call, seeing her the same day. I am a big on "signs" and when I walked into her office the entire thing was decorated in frogs! (Those of you who know me understand the significance of this.) My session with "Dr. Frog" last Thursday the 27th went well, she was hopeful that my husband had talked about his session and she had hoped to get us in together soon. I felt hopeful and uplifted, but then as you know from reading my posts over the weekend things did not go well. On Monday my husband and I each went to separate appointments with Dr. Frog. She told me I need to "focus on myself" and stop worrying as if the world were coming to an end. Honestly, this made me mad - this is a big deal, MY MARRIAGE IS A BIG DEAL - I DO feel as though the world is coming to an end!!!!! When my husband got home we talked about each of our sessions and he was very standoffish. I reminded him that we had signed a rule contract that we would be open and honest and that by not talking to me at all, he was not doing that. I told him that I was feeling frustrated because I thought that when we "agreed to go slow" that we were saying that we both knew this was going to be a long road but we were both willing to try. I said I was feeling like he was not committed and wondered what his intent was when he agreed to those parameters. In no uncertain terms he said that was committing to try and figure out what he wanted and that at this point he was leaning more toward "separation". I asked him what he meant by this and he said, "you know, divorcing." Needless to say, I was devastated. I talked about our marriage vows and that "for better or worse" meant just this - clearly this is the worst, but you don't just walk away, especially without even trying!! He then said he was questioning his whole life and didn't know if he ever even did love me. WHAT!?!?! Once we began dating seriously, yes we had the marriage talk like every couple does, but he proposed to me completely out of the blue, so it clearly was not that I "pressured him" into doing it. How can he say such hurtful things? It was devastating!!!!

At this point I was highly distraught and called my parents, who immediately called my brother and asked him to drive two and a half hours to be here with me - which he did without question. I LOVE MY FAMILY - THEY ROCK!!! In the meantime, I called my husband's parents and told them what was going on. I know I shouldn't have done it, as it wasn't my place, but for pete sakes they needed to know that their son was in crisis. He is acting like this person whom I have never met, as if he does not understand that his words and actions mean anything. I feel like he turned 30 and had a "midlife crisis".

We have talked very little since that night. Dr. Frog told me to give him space and I am TRYING to do that (Lord, please help me get better at this). I did feel bad about telling his parents and wrote him a note (which seems to be our only form of communication at this point - not that he is writing back, but at least he's reading) that said:


* I'm sorry I told your parents, I agree that it was not my plan to do that.


* I'm sorry if I made you feel you were being forced into making a decision. That was not my intent. I more just wanted to know if by "going slow" you were committed to trying or not.


* You have to understand that I am equally confused. My life has been upended; I am struggling too!


* I understand you need your space; I will try and give you that.


* I love you. I want to try and work this out; I am committed. You know that.


I am just so confused and emotionally exhausted! I don't know what to do or what my husband is even thinking. Am I fighting a loosing battle??? Please, God, HELP ME; guide me; give me strength!!! I am so thankful that my brother is here for moral support, it truly does help lessen my burden; however, I am already worrying about tomorrow when he leaves. I am debating about whether or not to go home to my parents (3 hours away) for the three-day weekend or staying here. On one hand I feel like if I leave I am saying I am not committed to working things out, which is far from the truth. On the other hand, I can't handle being in this constant stress and maybe it would do me good to get away. I do think if I leave I will worry about what he is doing (even though he promised he would no longer be in contact with her), yet clearly if he wants to see her he will do that with or without me here. To top it all off, our anniversary is this weekend, so this is awkward too.


I am pleading with all of you reading this, please pray!!! Pray for my strength to get through this. Pray for clarity and guidance for him and me. Pray that we will find our way back to each other again.