A Losing Battle

The question as to whether or not I am fighting a losing battle has been posed to me time and again via conversations and emails from family & friends, blog comments from strangers, and honestly in my own head as well. The answer is I truly do not know; maybe I am and I'm just scared to admit it. All I can tell you (and those of you who personally know my husband know this to be true) - this apathy is NOT him. I truly feel he is depressed and that he has lost his way. I want him to wake up and realize what he is saying and doing. I want him to wake up and realize our marriage is worth fighting for.

I am terrified thinking about what will happen when I go home tomorrow - tomorrow, September 7th... our anniversary. Will he be there? Will he have moved out all of his things? Is he with her right now? The logical part of me knows that I cannot worry about this. He will do what he will do regardless of what I think or feel. I cannot control that so why waste time worrying about it? Why? Because that is who I am. I was talking to a friend about my actions and reactions over the past two weeks and she pointed out that it's really not all that unlike me, even though I feel like it is. I am loyal to a fault and I am a planner; I can't suddenly stop being loyal to my husband and disregarding our "five year plan" (LOL - yes, we have one) just because he seems to have done so. In actuality, I am more in "loyalty mode" than ever before - I see that he is in crisis because these behaviors are so unlike him. I ended up calling him yesterday afternoon to make sure he was okay (since as you will remember he walked out of the house to drive around on Friday night and never came back for at least the next three hours that I was there). He said he was at "our house" and that he had come home on Friday night. I wish that I didn't care, I wish that I could be one of those people who walks away and never looks back, but I can't - that's not me (I'm the person who does his laundry even though he has wronged me).


A dear friend of mine has been email me daily and something she said to me was very profound. I asked her if I could share it on the blog and she said yes...


"As a final note, you are a strong woman. You are a courageous woman, and a woman who does not deserve this. You have put up with more shit in the past 2 weeks than anyone should have to. If what you desire is reconciliation between you and him, then that is what I (and *name of her hubby*) hope for you. But please, please, please make that boy realize what a wonderful woman you are, and how wonderful you deserve to be treated. You are SOOOO much better than the way he has been treating you. If he can't recognize that and treat you as he should, you need to walk away head held high, knowing that you did everything YOU could even if he hasn't. You can't make him change. You can only give him opportunities to. But limit those opportunities though. There are good things waiting out there, with or without him."