The Breakdown

My no crying streak has come to an end. This was to be a great weekend - spending time with two of my dearest friends and also going to my husband’s nephews 5th birthday party (without my husband of course, as he has had nothing to do with his family since this all began.) I had been very excited about this all week. However, I hadn’t considered how emotional I would be doing these things for the first time without him. Last night it was difficult seeing our friends without him and then I woke up this morning full of anxiety about seeing my husband’s family later today. I called my mother-in-law and sobbed. I explained that I thought I could do this, that I wanted to do this, but that I just didn’t know if I could. She told me it was okay, that they supported me and wanted to see me too, but that I had to do what was best for me. She told me she thought my emotions were probably too raw to see all of them just yet, and I guess she was right. It’s odd because I want to see his parents and brother and his family more than anything, as they have all been such a comfort to me over the past month, yet the thought of doing so is also terrifying. It makes it all too real. I am bewildered by all of the emotions I am going through and how they can change on a dime simply by hearing my husband’s name or seeing something that reminds me of him. I wish there was a manual for how to deal with this shit-storm that is my life!