Regret is like the evil cousin of worry – both are my friends. My husband and I used to joke that if I had nothing to worry about, I would worry about that. I have been doing a lot of worrying lately – worrying about the present and the future. I have also been full of regret, hearing all of these “what ifs” run through my mind…
* What if I had said no when my husband asked me to marry him?
* What if I would have taken my dad up on the offer when, jokingly before he and I walked down the aisle, he nodded toward the door and told me we could still leave?
* What if my husband had gotten a job rather than going to graduate school after we were married? Where would we have ended up?
* What if we had never moved here?
* What if we would have had children?
* What if I hadn’t been working toward my masters for the past two years?
* What if I hadn’t spent so much time at work and/or doing “school stuff”?
* What if my husband would have talked to me about his feelings of unhappiness or discontentedness?
* What if my husband had never met her?
* What if I had gone with him to the luau party where they first kissed?
* What if I had been better at whatever it is he is looking for… a better house keeper, a better cook, smarter, dumber, thinner, fatter, prettier, uglier – the list goes on and on (can you tell I worry about this one A LOT!?)
* What if I would have seen signs of his relationship with her?
* What if I had never found out about his affair?
* What if I had not insisted that he see a therapist sooner rather than later and he hadn’t canceled his original appointment with another therapist to see Dr. Frog?
* What if, when I filed for divorce, I would have asked for court mandated counseling?
* What if he could just give me answers as to WHY this happened? Would I be better able to move on?
What if, What if, What if. I cannot stand these questions full of regret. I want these questions to leave me alone. Yet they don’t because I can’t stop asking them. I cannot stop feeling full of regret.
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Hi. You don't know me at all but I am a friend of a friend of yours and I recently became aware of your situatuation and having been there not only once but twice I can feel your pain. You can ask yourself a million questions a million times a day but in the end most people are going to do what ever the want. After my experiences in life I no longer believe in fate or destiny and that we all makes decisions every day that affect our lives constantly. So don't beat yourself up over this for the simple fact that you cannot change what has happened. All you can do at this point is deal with it in the ways that make you feel the best no matter whatever they are with no regard to other peoples opinions because all that matters now is healing yourself! Bad things happen to good people and you will be a better and a stronger person because of this.
ReplyDeleteHi. I was in your situation about a year and a half ago. My heart breaks for you when I read your entries and know so clearly what you are going through. There's betrayal, anger, hate, rage, sorrow, tears but you know what the hard thing was for me? I still loved him. I hated him and still loved him at the same time. I knew I had to stick up for myself and my kids. I KNEW that was he was doing would not allow us to remain married any longer and I went through those emotions above EVERY SINGLE DAY - sometimes all at once. I'm sorry for what's happened to you. Please know sweet girl that you are not alone. You are loved and prayed for.
ReplyDeleteOh friend. This entry breaks my heart. I understand worrying as I am full of it constantly. I don't believe God picks and chooses our struggles and hands them out like Halloween candy but I know He won't give you anything you can't survive...even though it feels like you are alone YOU ARE NOT. He is walking with you all the way. In those tiny moments of clarity, wisdom, confidence, focus, etc... NO MATTER HOW FEW AND FAR BETWEEN that is strength directly from God. When you feel the most lost turn your eyes back to Him...He is where you will find peace.
ReplyDeleteall my love,
MG
Dear Friend of a Friend,
ReplyDeleteOh wow, I cannot imagine going through this twice – yuck! You are clearly a very strong person. Thank you for reminding me that people are going to do what they will do. My husband made the choices that got us to this point and he has to own those, I don’t. I like the idea of doing what makes me feel better with the goal of healing. It’s good to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Dear Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteThank you for commenting – reading your words made me feel normal (if there can be a normal in this situation.) I do still love my husband, which I know is crazy and truly is the hardest thing. He is an ass and has made horrible decisions so how can I love him when I also hate him (because I do)? How can I feel so many conflicting emotions all at the same time? How do you get through this?
Sweet Bewildered: You're not "wrong" or "bad" because you still love someone who has hurt you! It would be sad and scary if we were able to just STOP loving every time someone steps out of line. In your case it appears your husband didn't just step, he kept on walking, but that doesn't mean you have a button that makes several years of growth and love just disappear and replaces it with hate. Hating what he's done and how he's hurt you is TOTALLY NORMAL. From personal experience, I know that needing and wanting to understand why & whether I could have changed things if I'd known "what was wrong" sooner, kept me holding on to love.... I wanted to find what role I'd played in the situation and fix it. I do believe that we all play a role, it's just that an adulterer's course of action is so inappropriate that we can't figure out what we could have possibly done to deserve something so cruel for a wakeup call. In hindsight, I don't believe my hubby knew what was wrong.... only that he wanted to change SOMETHING.... he chose to "change" me instead of trying to talk to me or work on us after many more years than you have been together. He thought we could just say, "Well I'm moving on, it was nice, let's be friends" and it wouldn't hurt anyone or anything. If he could have been right, he wouldn't have had to go through the feelings he had and caused for soooo many in our lives. I also know that my time was very tangled up in extended family issues that I couldn't avoid and he felt forgotten.....so why didn't he speak up or be more of a part of it with me....don't go have an affair to entertain yourself dammit!! We managed to work through it but it took a long, long time,(years) and both of our dedication. The betrayal still hurts and always will. I can forgive but I can't forget so to speak. It has been some time behind me now and I still have hurting and crying jags from the memories. I don't think anyone can love deeply, be hurt deeply and just forget how it felt....maybe we remember to be able to try to help someone we care about like you, know that you are doing things just fine...you are as normal as any of us ever are. I hope you reach a point soon where you can be more removed from the hurt, have some good memories of better times and move on with a full, happy life you deserve. I hope his family continues to appreciate you as the wonderful person you are and lets you continue to be a part of their lives in whatever manner is comfortable for both you and them. I'll even go out on a limb and say that sooner than later, he will be regretting his own decisions, but like anyone else....he'll only learn from HIS mistakes, not from what anyone else tries to teach or tell him. You're an amazing young woman. Strong, beautiful, full of life and love to give. You have to feel everyone of those conflicting emotions, but when push comes to shove, you're gonna be just fine cause you have your head on straight, a great family and so much to offer. Take care of you.
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