Pick Me, Choose Me, Love Me

My family and friends will kill me for saying this, but there is still a part of me that keeps wishing that my husband will recognize that the life he is throwing away is nothing like the one he will be getting in return and that this alone will be enough to make him realize the mistake he is making. One of my best friends posed a question to me yesterday via email, “If your husband were to come home today and say that he’d changed his mind; he’ll cut off ALL ties with her, he’ll go to counseling and work through this… would you take him back?” My response to her was, “Sadly, yes I probably would. How sick is that!?” I feel like Meredith from seasons past of Grey’s Anatomy where she is pleading with Derek, “pick me, choose me, love me.” And then, as we avid fans know, Derek did choose Meredith. Why can’t real life be this way? The realistic part of me knows that the chances of this happening are slim to none, yet the romantic in me can’t stop hoping for it, wishing for it, praying for it. I’m wondering if there will always be a part of me that hopes for him to return to me, kind of like how there is always a special place in your heart for your first love.

This Is My Life

I am amazed as I write these words… I have not shed a tear in roughly 72 hours. Yep, you read it correctly – I’ve been tear free for three days! I feel as though this is some sort of monumental accomplishment. I wouldn’t exactly say that I have moved toward acceptance, but I am definitely working toward a level of understanding. As crazy as it may sound, in part I think some of this came from the acquisition of her pictures. Until I saw the pictures of the two of them together, there was honestly a part of me that still believed it wasn’t true. I realize this sounds odd considering I had seen instant messages between the two of them and he had confessed. However, there was just something so concrete about seeing the two of them, photographed together for all eternity with their faces cheek to cheek, which made me realize this is not a dream. I am not going to wake up from this. My husband and I, along with our friends and family aren’t going to be laughing about this later. Although this is not at all what I had planned, this is real; this is my life.

How Do I Move On?

Nine years ago yesterday my husband and I went on our first date. I can tell you vivid details of that night – from what we each wore to what we ate at the restaurant to the hockey game we attended to the movie we watched in his dorm room afterwards. It was the longest date either of us had ever been on, because neither of us wanted it to end. After the movie we talked for hours about everything and nothing all at the same time. That night is burned into my brain; it is the night I began falling in love with him, the night I knew I would someday marry him.

How do I move on with all these memories of the last nine years rolling around in my head? How do I move on when I have no understanding of how things got to this point – when I had no idea things were at this point until my husband revealed his affair. How do I move on without any answers (because I have tried, he can give me none – all he says to everything I ask is “I don’t know” or “I don’t have an answer for that”)? How do I move on as if this life never existed? My husband has moved on, acting as though everything is normal. Please, someone, tell me how to move on!

I couldn’t resist… meet Her

She is the one on the right in all of these pictures...

Her

Through the friend of a friend of a friend sort of thing I was have acquired some pictures of her. I can’t tell you how fixated I have become on these photos (I look at them several times a day); it’s like a car accident – you don’t want to look but you can’t look away. She is nothing like me, which I suppose is good, but yet it’s also quite insulting to me as well. Mind you, I have no idea what she is like as a person other than what people have told me about her. (Although considering she has no qualms about sleeping with a married man, I can speculate on the type of person she is.) From everything I know she is like my polar opposite…

Me
• I have a masters degree; I work in a highly respected profession - teaching first grade
• I am very girly
• I am petite (5ft. 3in.)
• I have small hands
• I do not smoke
• I am pretty clean-cut and “preppy”; I do not like bars, I never have
• I have no children

Her
• I have no idea what her level of education is; however, she works on the line in a factory
• She is very “manly” (several people have described her this way to me)
• She is a tall Amazon woman
• She has giant man hands
• She smokes (which blows my mind because my husband HATES cigarette smoke)
• She appears to be very “rough” and “trashy”; she looks like someone who hangs out in dive bars a lot (hard to explain, but if you saw the pictures you would understand)
• She is a single mother to a three-year-old son (she was never married)


None of this makes any sense to me. I don’t understand how he could go from someone like me to someone like her. What was wrong with me? Why didn’t I make him happy? What does she have that I don’t?

The Power of Girlfriends (and Margaritas)

I had a great time tonight having dinner with two of my best friends. We had a blast laughing and talking (and drinking… although not as much as the table next to us – those girls got sombreros and what we think were free shots – no fair!!!!). We decided that I should STOP wearing my wedding ring and that it really isn’t that pretty anyway! The three of us, along with some other friends, are going to all go out and I’m going to look SUPER HOT! We are going to make t-shirts… mine will say, “If you’re gonna have an affair, at least wear a condom” (that will be a good conversation starter) and their’s will all say, “Team ‘Bewildered’” Yay, I can’t wait!!!

Sangry

It’s amazing how much your life can change in the span of a month. One month ago today my life as I knew it began spiraling out of control. It’s hard to believe it’s only been a month, it truly feels like years have come and gone. For some reason an indescribable feeling of sadness has come over me. Here’s the weird thing, I’m still really angry too. How is it possible for a person to be sad and angry all at once? Sangry, that’s what I am. (Yes, I just invented a new word: "sangry” – an interwoven combination of sadness and anger.)

I am sangry because this is not the life I had planned. On the verge of thirty my husband and I were to be starting a family; I wasn’t to be starting over. I don’t want to be starting over – I don’t want to be at this place in life, even if it is for the better. That makes me very sangry! I am sangry that he is living out my dream with her and her child! I am sangry that my husband is not the man that I thought he was. Where is the man I fell in love with – what happened to him? Am I really that poor a judge of character or did he have all of us fooled? I truly do realize that I deserve so much better than the man he pretended to be, yet that doesn’t make me any less sangry. I feel like I’m grieving over a life that never truly existed and that makes me sangry too because I cannot make sense of it.

Audacity of an Adulterer

Several wise women have told me over the last several weeks that I needed to just get mad – really, really mad. I truly did try but on the occasions that I was mad, the feeling quickly faded back to despair. However, I can now officially say that the anger, no make that rage, has arrived!!!

My husband told me two weeks ago that he was to meet with Dr. Frog yesterday at 5:00, so reasonably I expected that he would be home around 6:30ish. So 8:00 o’clock came around and he still wasn’t here, nor did he call. I cried for a good 45 minutes. I am not sure why, I guess I just felt sad, frustrated, alone, etc. etc. etc. I realize he no longer has to be “accountable” to me as to where he is; however, I can’t just turn that off. I can’t not worry that he’s dead in a ditch or something. So he finally got home about 9:15 (thank God I was no longer crying – I was hunky dory watching the season finale of my favorite show, Big Brother, which I had recorded last week.) So he walks in like some big pimp ~ all happy go lucky with not a care in the world.

Him: “Oh Big Brother, who was in the finals?”

Me: “Jordan & Natalie.”

Him: “That’s surprising!”

Me: “How was your night?”

Him: “Fine.”

Me: “What did you do?”

Him: “Umm, just some computer things and stuff.”

Me: “Are you lying?”

Him: “Yah, kind of.”

Me: “So you were at your girlfriend’s?”

Him: “Yah, I was at Amy’s house.” Then he just kind of smirked at me.


When he said it I had this feeling of wanting to vomit but then suddenly this feeling turned into complete rage!! I did not say another word; I just focused on watching T.V. The more I stared at the T.V. the angrier I got. Who the Hell does he think he is? Does he think we are now buddies or something? Well I can assure you that we are NOT!!

I cannot believe he has the audacity to act like our life together never existed. That is not okay!!!

I cannot believe he has the audacity to “play” with her and then just walk back into this house like he belongs here. That is not okay!!!

I cannot believe he has the audacity to treat me like a piece of trash. That is not ok!!!

She is trash; she is the one sleeping with a married man. Yes, he is a married man until the day our divorce is final whether he chooses to act like it or not!

I no longer have any desire whatsoever to reconcile with this pig of a man.

He disgusts me.

He is scum.

He deserves nothing better than his white trash ho of a girlfriend!

Thank You!!

I would like to thank all of you for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers!! Thank you to those of you who have left comments here on the blog. Thank you as well to those of you who know me personally and have sent me cards and emails; these are truly so uplifting and mean more to me than you will ever know. I have printed every email and am keeping them, as well as the cards, in a folder so that I can read your encouraging words when I feel like I am at my darkest moments. Please keep them coming!

One of the emails I received today was from one of my wonderful coworkers. She told me of a sign that her mother has… “God only gives me what he knows I can handle, I just wish he didn’t trust me so much!” Amen to that!!!

One Wish

If I could have one wish it would be for my husband to realize that this is all a mistake. He would realize that this isn’t what he wants and that it never was. He would tell me that he was wrong and that he is sorry. He would tell me he wants to try and work things out; it would not be a guarantee but at least a willingness to try. He would agree to go to counseling together. He would stop communicating with/seeing her. He would realize that every marriage has ups and downs but that you stand behind your marriage vows and you don’t just throw away a life together without ever trying to repair the damage. I am angry that he never communicated anything with me, that he never told me he was unhappy and even more that he acted like he was happy. I want to know when the truth stopped and the lies began. Was it two months ago? Two years ago? Was anything ever true?

I am a person who believes that everything happens for a reason, but I cannot find the reason in this. I truly cannot. Our God is loving and I cannot understand why a loving God would allow me to feel so much pain. I said in one of my first posts that when my husband and I first met I prayed and turned it over to God, knowing that if he and I were meant to be HE would make it happen. Why did HE lead our two lives to take one path if this were to be the end result?

Massage & Chakra

I have to give a shout-out to a wonderful woman named Brenda who just gave me an awesome massage! (Believe it or not, it was my very first one ever – now I totally get what all the “hype” is about!!!) If you are ever in my hometown I HIGHLY recommend you make an appointment with her (she works with my mother, so tell mom that you need the hook-up.) Anyway, Brenda, thank you so much! You are a truly caring woman, and quite frankly, in my eyes you are a rock star!!!

In addition to the massage she also gave me two Chakra bracelets. I didn’t know a lot about Chakra, so I looked it up when I got home. She gave me one bracelet that was all indigo and another that was multicolored with all of the Chakra colors on it. She explained that she doesn’t know if wearing a bracelet of colored rocks really helps and I said, “Well it can’t hurt.” At this point, I’ll take anything I can get!! Here is what the colors mean:

Violet – beauty, creativity, & inspiration

Indigo – intuition, mysticism, & understanding

Blue – verbal expression & truth

Green – balance, love, & self control

Yellow – wisdom, clarity & self esteem

Orange – happiness, confidence, & resourcefulness

Red - vitality, courage, & self confidence

Wedding Ring

As I sit writing this I am staring at the wedding ring on my finger. I can’t take it off. I am not exactly sure why, as everything that it symbolized is no more. However, it has sat on my finger for seven years (eight if you include the year I had just the engagement ring) and it truly feels like it belongs there. I am serious when I say my finger feels “naked” without it. Plus, dang it, it’s pretty!!!! In fact, just the other day (at my attorney’s office none the less) I got a complement about how pretty it was! I tried putting on a different ring instead (to “fill the void”), but it didn’t work – perhaps it’s the weight of the platinum that I miss. What is wrong with me, why can’t I take this ring off!?

Playing With My Emotions

My husband knows that he can take advantage of my emotional state. The logical part of me knows that he’s doing it, but in the moment I can’t stop myself – I get sucked right in. He came back to our house yesterday evening. At first he was civil and, to an extent even nice. However, I suspect this was a ruse and he has ulterior motives. He is planning on staying in the house with me until the divorce is final (advice from his attorney, I am sure) which could be anywhere from 91 days to 7-9 months, depending upon if we can settle or if we must go to trial. I do not understand why he feels the need to torture me by staying at the house. (Yes, I realize that legally he has just as much right to be there as I do; however, we both know that he doesn’t want to be there anymore than I want him there. Hasn’t he done enough to me already!?!?) I asked him why he couldn’t just stay at her house instead and his response was, “I own this house not that one” (again, straight from his attorney’s mouth, I’m sure). Everything that he said was just so cold, as if he were not speaking with the person he has been with for the past nine years, but rather the checkout girl at the grocery store. At one point I was crying and said, “Don’t you understand how much you have hurt me? You have hurt me worse than anyone in my life ever has and you are the one person whom I never thought would.” This would be so much easier if I could just hate him! Why can’t I do that???

One of my brothers reminded me that my husband’s sole motive is most likely to “charm me” into agreeing to something that is in his own best interests (and far from mine) because he knows I am so emotional and he can take advantage of that. In all honesty, that is probably true. I am trying to stay level headed but it’s so hard because I cannot think straight (yesterday someone asked me my phone number and I drew a complete blank, having no clue what my number was).

A very wise man gave me what is to be my new life motto: “I will always act effectively in my self interests.” I am supposed to write this on a 3x5 card and read it out loud to myself numerous times a day. God, please help me heed this new life motto and truly live by it!

Lost

I do not know how to function in this new world that I have found myself in. Sometimes I think of it as amazing that I have even gotten out of bed. As I sit in this foreign new land, I feel extremely lost. I have discovered that there is much I do not know how to do – things that my husband has always done…

• I do not know how to read financial statements, nor do I know anything at all about our finances.

• I do not know which bills come out of which bank accounts, or even which ones are automatically deducted versus ones I need to write checks for.

• I do not know how to make a budget.

• I do not know how to mow the lawn or even how to start the lawn mower. (For real, I don’t! Growing up I had brothers that did this. In college I lived in dorms or apartments so there were people who did it. Then I got married and my husband always did it.)

• Along those same lines, as I look ahead to a Midwest winter, I do not know how to use the snowblower (which is bad because our house is on a large corner lot so there is LOTS of sidewalk to clear.)

• I do not know how to fix the internet when it goes down. Right now the printer isn’t working and I don’t know how to fix that either. (My husband is a computer genius – people pay him to fix theirs, so I have never worried about not knowing how to do these things because I knew he would.)

• I do not know anything about cars or what to do when mine breaks down. (Whenever I have had to take it in, my husband always called in for me and talked to the people and then before they started fixing it they always called him.)

• I do not know how to fix things around the house (another thing my husband was a genius at.)


I am sure there are many more things that I will discover over the next few weeks and months as I move forward. But that’s the thing; I do not know how to move forward. I feel paralyzed in a sea of sadness and fear. Everyone keeps telling me to get mad and stay mad. But this is easier said than done. Yes, there are moments when I truly am furious, but mostly I just feel sad and scared. Most of the time I just feel lost.

Things I Never Thought I Would Do

My life has changed so drastically in the last 48 hours, it all seems so surreal. I feel as though I am standing off to the side watching someone who looks like me struggle through what is by far the worst point in her life, yet it can’t be me – it just can’t. In the past 24 hours alone I have experienced more in life than I had ever excepted to, things I never thought I would…

• I never thought the man I loved would literally walk away from our marriage without trying; I am shocked by how cold he was when left.

• I never thought I would be calling around to find a divorce attorney.

• I never thought I would be sitting in an attorney’s office discussing the demise of my marriage and how to proceed. (Incidentally, I live in a “no fault divorce” state, so in the eyes of the court it does not matter that my husband committed adultery… I wish I lived in a different state!!!!)

• I never thought I would file for divorce - not ever! Yep, you heard me right – I filled papers late yesterday afternoon. My husband left our marriage long ago; he has proven he had no intention of ever even trying to work things out; he has said he wants to be with her. No one can say I didn’t try – I did everything I could, but I cannot make him try; I cannot make him love me. So, I took what dignity I had left and I filed for divorce!

• I never thought I would be describing my husband to a process server so that he could be served with divorce papers. He will be served today at work. I do feel bad that it has to happen there, but I truly have no idea where he is staying and his work address was the only one I knew.

• I never thought I would be digging through piles of bills and financial records, only to discover how deep his lies have really gone over the seven years of our marriage. He has lied about so much, it is blowing my mind.

• I never thought I was married to a person who was so finanically irresponsible. I thought he was taking care of me, of us and our future. This was all a lie.


I have come to realize that the man I know and love is not the man I am married to; that man left a long time ago (assuming he ever really existed in the first place). Please pray for me!

Numb

All hope that I was holding out was dashed last night. Around 6:00PM I noticed that my husband was not wearing his wedding ring (he took it off on our anniv. but as soon as he got back home put it right back on, so he had been wearing it). I asked him where it was and he said it was at his alibi friend’s house. I asked him why and he said that he had given it to his friend because he didn’t think it was right for him to be wearing it and stringing me along. I told him I didn't understand what he was saying and he said, “I’m saying I don’t think we can work it out.” I said, “Well how do you know that when you won’t even try? Are you saying you don’t want to work it out? How do you know?” He said, “I don’t think we can work it out for a couple of reasons: 1) I think I’ve been lying to myself for a long time and 2) I really like (*insert her name*).” I said, “I can’t even believe you are saying this to me. What do you mean, what are you saying?” He then said the word I never wanted to hear, “I’m saying I want a divorce.” I was shell-shocked. I then said, “So what’s your plan? Are you going to go live with her and her 3-year-old child?” He said, “I don’t know. ‘Alibi Friend’ said I could stay at his house tonight.” He then got his wallet, keys, and phone and walked out of the house.

I was proud because I did not cry until I heard the garage door close – not one tear. But, as soon as it did I crumbled to the floor in a strange mix of guttural screaming, sobbing, and dry heaving. I called my mom and tried to explain what was happening and told her I needed her to come to my house. She said it would take awhile (she lives 3 hours away) and that I needed to call someone to come over and stay with me. I called two of my good friends and all I could say through sobs was, “Can you come to my house right now?” Both of them said yes, no questions asked. (I must say I have WONDERFUL friends!!!!!!!!!!!!) While I waited for them to arrive I called my other wonderful friend whom I have known for several years (probably my best gal pal) and she calmed me down and also called back my mom (to make sure she was coming) and her awesome hubby (also a dear friend) called both of my brothers.

After I finally calmed down (it took nearly an hour an hour and a Xanax - LOL) I decided that I would pack up enough clothes for my husband for a week, as I did not want him to just show up at the house while I was here. I put his clothes and toiletries in a box (yes, not even a suitcase – A BOX) and drove them down to her town. I had already called his alibi friends house and spoken to his wife, only to find out that my husband was not there (yet another lie he told me). I convinced my friend who was driving my car to drive by her house, not because I wanted to get out but because I needed to SEE his car there with my own eyes. She agreed on the condition that she would NOT stop the car and that if I tried to get out it would be from a moving vehicle. I agreed. We dove by and he was not there. So we went to his alibi friends house with his box of stuff. I got out of the car and handed the alibi friend (who incidentally if I have never mentioned is also his boss)the box.

He said, “Oh I get his stuff?”

I said, “Well, I went by her house and he wasn’t there so I don’t know what else to do with it.”

He said, “I think he’s staying at (* insert another coworkers name) house.”

I said, “Well I don’t know where he lives.”

He said, “Ok.”

I said, “There are enough clothes in here for him to last the whole week. I don’t want him to come back for the rest of that time. You will need to let him know because I did not tell him I was bringing his things down here.”

He said, “Ok. I am really sorry.”

I said, “Yah, me too.” I then got back in the car and my friend drove us away. I was proud that I acted classy (not trashy).


I am standing in a world that no longer makes sense. I have cried every tear and screamed until I was hoarse. I am numb.

Two (make that THREE) Great Quotes

I heard/read three great quotes this weekend, all which I could completely relate to:

“Sometimes you’re the pigeon, sometimes you’re the statue.”
~ From a poster a rock star reading teacher has in her classroom

“True love is not always about passion and butterflies but about a commitment.”
~ Anonymous commenter on my blog

"I also read a verse that said "give wine to those in anguish" and that made me smile. . .next time you have a glass of wine, remind those around you that it's "from God" - ha!"
~ Anita, commenter on my blog

Entwined

It’s funny how once you are married your life truly does become entwined with that of your spouse. They are so much more than just your lover; they are your confidant and your best friend. They are the person you want to spend your time with, the person whom you want to tell the funny stories as well as the insignificant happenings of your day. I think this is the hardest thing for me; I miss my best friend! I feel lonely without him in more ways than I can express, not because I think I am someone who must have a man in my life to be happy, but because I no longer have my best friend. I long for this. Our lives were, and any many ways are, so entwined. Our names go together as a pair; generally in social situations people don’t get one of us without the other. All my memories of the past seven years (and many from the two years prior when we were dating and engaged) involve him. The majority of my actions over the past seven years, from the smallest things (such as picking up his favorite pop at the grocery store) to large things (such as deciding how to landscape our house) involve me thinking about him and his wants and needs, as well as my own. Truly once you are married you are linked to the person – things are no longer about just you but rather the two of you. I have forgotten who I was before him and I am not sure how to move on without him in my life.

Perhaps I am naïve, but I am not ready to give up. I am still trying and I pray that he will come to his senses and realize that you don’t just throw away a marriage without trying to work out the problems, particularly when you have never before discussed said problems with your spouse. I can’t tell you the number of couples I have talked to over the past several weeks who have been married anywhere between 15 and 50 years who have said to me things like “oh we could have gotten divorced plenty of times, but we were committed to trying to work things out and we did”. Life is not all roses and sunshine and happy pictures on the wall. There are plenty of bad/sad/unhappy times in between; however, you work through them and that’s what makes the happy pictures on the wall so much more meaningful!

Faking It

It's exhausting trying to act happy all of the time! When you're a teacher you always have to be "on" and when you're a teacher of first graders you also always have to be happy. Most of this time this isn't too difficult, except when you are faking it 95% of the time. That's the trouble I'm having, it's hard to act happy when all I want to do is cry and yell and make someone else feel as badly as I do. Tonight we had an Open House at school. I was okay at first, but then as I watched these small children excitedly telling their parents about the goings on in our classroom as their younger siblings clamored around, I began to think about the place in life which I (and I thought my husband) am/were. We are no longer in the partying/stay out all night stage, but rather the settle down and start a family stage. When and why did he suddenly veer from this course? On my drive home I cried; cried for these plans and dreams that have suddenly seemed to have slipped through my fingers. How did this happen? Why did this happen? I am willing to explore a new path with my husband, I truly am. A path which can support both his and my individual goals and dreams, but I cannot do that when he is shutting me out; when he is acting more like a stranger than the man I have been married to for the past seven years. And so, I continue faking it. I smile and wave at my neighbors as I leave for work in the morning. I smile and make polite conversation with coworkers about my night/the weekend (my responses are all lies). I smile and speak to parents, acting as though the education of their child is my #1 priority. I smile and hug children - both current and former students and tell them how excited I am to be at school with them today. These are all things I do every day... all things that I am faking.

Home

Well, I'm home from my parent's house. My wonderful mother is here with me right now, which is nice. My husband is not here. I called him on my way home and he said he was at his alibi friend's house doing his fantasy football draft. I was feeling okay about this until I started doing some laundry and other household chores and found his wedding ring sitting on the nightstand next to the guest bed (where he has been sleeping). Now, of course, my wind is racing. He NEVER takes it off - not to take a shower or anything. Why is he not wearing it??? What does this mean??? Why today, of all days, did he choose not to put it on? I am feeling very sad and alone right now, which is odd because my mother is sitting less than two-feet away from me. I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seven Years Ago Today

Seven years ago today my husband and I got married. We stood before God and all of our family and friends in a very traditional wedding ceremony and said these words:

"I take you to have and to hold for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part."

These were not empty promise, I stand behind these wedding vows. Does he?

I am going back home from my parents house later today. I am sick to my stomach wondering what the day will bring. Please pray for me!

Shout-Out to My Brother

I told my brother that I'd give him a shout-out for the the CD that he made me. You're a ROCK STAR "Monster" and I love you very much!!

For your listening pleasure, here is one of my favorites from the CD (sorry I couldn't post the actual video, but you can find it on YouTube. But, as you know I'm a "words" girl and the words of this song are awesome!!)

Oh, but be forewarned - this song is not Godly or kind, it is mean spirited and I know that. But, it also describes how I feel in this tornado of emotion that has become my life...

A Losing Battle

The question as to whether or not I am fighting a losing battle has been posed to me time and again via conversations and emails from family & friends, blog comments from strangers, and honestly in my own head as well. The answer is I truly do not know; maybe I am and I'm just scared to admit it. All I can tell you (and those of you who personally know my husband know this to be true) - this apathy is NOT him. I truly feel he is depressed and that he has lost his way. I want him to wake up and realize what he is saying and doing. I want him to wake up and realize our marriage is worth fighting for.

I am terrified thinking about what will happen when I go home tomorrow - tomorrow, September 7th... our anniversary. Will he be there? Will he have moved out all of his things? Is he with her right now? The logical part of me knows that I cannot worry about this. He will do what he will do regardless of what I think or feel. I cannot control that so why waste time worrying about it? Why? Because that is who I am. I was talking to a friend about my actions and reactions over the past two weeks and she pointed out that it's really not all that unlike me, even though I feel like it is. I am loyal to a fault and I am a planner; I can't suddenly stop being loyal to my husband and disregarding our "five year plan" (LOL - yes, we have one) just because he seems to have done so. In actuality, I am more in "loyalty mode" than ever before - I see that he is in crisis because these behaviors are so unlike him. I ended up calling him yesterday afternoon to make sure he was okay (since as you will remember he walked out of the house to drive around on Friday night and never came back for at least the next three hours that I was there). He said he was at "our house" and that he had come home on Friday night. I wish that I didn't care, I wish that I could be one of those people who walks away and never looks back, but I can't - that's not me (I'm the person who does his laundry even though he has wronged me).


A dear friend of mine has been email me daily and something she said to me was very profound. I asked her if I could share it on the blog and she said yes...


"As a final note, you are a strong woman. You are a courageous woman, and a woman who does not deserve this. You have put up with more shit in the past 2 weeks than anyone should have to. If what you desire is reconciliation between you and him, then that is what I (and *name of her hubby*) hope for you. But please, please, please make that boy realize what a wonderful woman you are, and how wonderful you deserve to be treated. You are SOOOO much better than the way he has been treating you. If he can't recognize that and treat you as he should, you need to walk away head held high, knowing that you did everything YOU could even if he hasn't. You can't make him change. You can only give him opportunities to. But limit those opportunities though. There are good things waiting out there, with or without him."

House of Cards

I have been feeling for nearly the past two weeks that I live in a house of cards. A house where if I stepped wrong or breathed too heavily or cried to hard, would simply fall. Last night my house of cards fell.

Things started out okay. I had decided at work that I would go down to my parents first thing Saturday morning. My plan on Friday night had been to do some laundry, along with some projects for school - nothing major. As I stated the laundry I went down to the basement (the place my husband "lives") and asked if he had any laundry down there. He gave me some which I put in the basket. I then told him that I was planning to go down to my parents on Saturday. I told him that my leaving for the weekend DID NOT mean I wasn't committed - I was very committed to making things work, but I just needed to clear my head and get out of this constant stress. I told him I knew he needed space as well and so I thought it would be good for him too. He shook his head yes. I should have stood up then and walked out of the room - I should have let things be.... but I didn't.

We ended up having an hour long conversation. I don't remember it word for word (which is odd - I usually can recite conversations back verbatim), I more just remember "chunks" of what was said... In a nutshell, he feels NO GUILT about what he has done and he wonders why he is so "apathetic" to the situation. He said he has still been talking to her, as well. That infuriated me!! I explained that he agreed to no contact with her and it meant just that - NO CONTACT!!!! (He then had the nerve to say, "so you mean I can't talk to anyone?" and I said, "no, I mean you can't talk to people you have been having affairs with if you want to try and work things out with me!") I asked him if he wanted to be with her and he shrugged at me and said, "I enjoy spending time with her." I said, well what does that mean, you don't enjoy spending time with me!? And he said, "Well, not right now." I honestly wanted to slap him!!! But, I reminded myself that I was a classy women I and would not do that. I asked him why he even signed our agreements if he never intended to try - if he never intended to do any of the things he said he would. He said, "I don't know, maybe I was trying to convince myself." I then said, "Well why are you even here then?" He said, "Because my t.v. is here." (GRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is he 10 years old!?!?!?!?!?!) I replied, "No, I mean if you had no intention of trying to work things out then why are you even coming home?" To which he replied, "Well because all my stuff is here." (WHAT!?!?!?!). I said, "Well then you might as well get your stuff and get out." (This is the "nice" version - what I really said involved a lot of cursing.) I then dumped his clothes out of the laundry basket and said, "I hope you know how to use the washing machine." I would say about a half an hour went by and I went upstarts and talked to my mom and brother on the phone. I calmed down and felt better. However, then he went up to the bedroom and changed into shorts and t-shirt (he had been wearing his work clothes). He then picked up his wallet, phone, and keys and I knew he was leaving. I asked were he was going and he said, "to drive around." I asked him where he was going to drive to and he said he didn't know. I asked him if he was going to her house and he said he didn't know. So he left.

I called my parents back and asked them to come and get me. It took them about three hours to get there and I had several wonderful friends who either talked to me on the phone or came to my house and hung out to help me pass the time. My mind was whirling and get this, I then felt bad about dumping out his laundry and despite all of my friends telling me not to, I did his laundry. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?!

My parents arrived a little after midnight to pick me up. We have to drive by the town that he works in (her town) to get to my parents house. Despite the objections of my father, I made him drive by her house. I needed TO SEE with my own eyes if he was there. We did not see his car there, which I suppose is good. I have no idea where he was - maybe his "alibi friend's" house - we did not go by there. Now I am worried about that... worried about where he was/is... worried that he is okay.

Living on a Rollercoaster Ride

I feel like I am living on a roller coaster ride. I have had many highs and lows over the past three days!

Last week after my husband attended his counseling session, he came home very positive and encouraged me to visit his counselor as well. I thought this was a good sign and gave her a call, seeing her the same day. I am a big on "signs" and when I walked into her office the entire thing was decorated in frogs! (Those of you who know me understand the significance of this.) My session with "Dr. Frog" last Thursday the 27th went well, she was hopeful that my husband had talked about his session and she had hoped to get us in together soon. I felt hopeful and uplifted, but then as you know from reading my posts over the weekend things did not go well. On Monday my husband and I each went to separate appointments with Dr. Frog. She told me I need to "focus on myself" and stop worrying as if the world were coming to an end. Honestly, this made me mad - this is a big deal, MY MARRIAGE IS A BIG DEAL - I DO feel as though the world is coming to an end!!!!! When my husband got home we talked about each of our sessions and he was very standoffish. I reminded him that we had signed a rule contract that we would be open and honest and that by not talking to me at all, he was not doing that. I told him that I was feeling frustrated because I thought that when we "agreed to go slow" that we were saying that we both knew this was going to be a long road but we were both willing to try. I said I was feeling like he was not committed and wondered what his intent was when he agreed to those parameters. In no uncertain terms he said that was committing to try and figure out what he wanted and that at this point he was leaning more toward "separation". I asked him what he meant by this and he said, "you know, divorcing." Needless to say, I was devastated. I talked about our marriage vows and that "for better or worse" meant just this - clearly this is the worst, but you don't just walk away, especially without even trying!! He then said he was questioning his whole life and didn't know if he ever even did love me. WHAT!?!?! Once we began dating seriously, yes we had the marriage talk like every couple does, but he proposed to me completely out of the blue, so it clearly was not that I "pressured him" into doing it. How can he say such hurtful things? It was devastating!!!!

At this point I was highly distraught and called my parents, who immediately called my brother and asked him to drive two and a half hours to be here with me - which he did without question. I LOVE MY FAMILY - THEY ROCK!!! In the meantime, I called my husband's parents and told them what was going on. I know I shouldn't have done it, as it wasn't my place, but for pete sakes they needed to know that their son was in crisis. He is acting like this person whom I have never met, as if he does not understand that his words and actions mean anything. I feel like he turned 30 and had a "midlife crisis".

We have talked very little since that night. Dr. Frog told me to give him space and I am TRYING to do that (Lord, please help me get better at this). I did feel bad about telling his parents and wrote him a note (which seems to be our only form of communication at this point - not that he is writing back, but at least he's reading) that said:


* I'm sorry I told your parents, I agree that it was not my plan to do that.


* I'm sorry if I made you feel you were being forced into making a decision. That was not my intent. I more just wanted to know if by "going slow" you were committed to trying or not.


* You have to understand that I am equally confused. My life has been upended; I am struggling too!


* I understand you need your space; I will try and give you that.


* I love you. I want to try and work this out; I am committed. You know that.


I am just so confused and emotionally exhausted! I don't know what to do or what my husband is even thinking. Am I fighting a loosing battle??? Please, God, HELP ME; guide me; give me strength!!! I am so thankful that my brother is here for moral support, it truly does help lessen my burden; however, I am already worrying about tomorrow when he leaves. I am debating about whether or not to go home to my parents (3 hours away) for the three-day weekend or staying here. On one hand I feel like if I leave I am saying I am not committed to working things out, which is far from the truth. On the other hand, I can't handle being in this constant stress and maybe it would do me good to get away. I do think if I leave I will worry about what he is doing (even though he promised he would no longer be in contact with her), yet clearly if he wants to see her he will do that with or without me here. To top it all off, our anniversary is this weekend, so this is awkward too.


I am pleading with all of you reading this, please pray!!! Pray for my strength to get through this. Pray for clarity and guidance for him and me. Pray that we will find our way back to each other again.