Hello/Goodbye

I saw my husband’s family last night for the first time since all of this began. It was a good time – the kids trick-or-treated, we ate, we talked, we laughed, my father-in-law took pictures; it was normal and comforting. I felt like I belonged, yet that there was a big elephant in the room that no one dared to speak of. When my husband’s parents left I hugged them goodbye and part of me wondered if it was my final goodbye to the two of them. As much as they are disgusted with my husband’s actions they are his parents and they will not turn their backs on their son, nor would I ever expect or want them to. It is odd how people who were once so integral in your life can suddenly become people whom you simply send a Christmas card to once a year.

Haunting My Dreams (AGAIN!!!)

I had dream about her again the other night. I went down to the town that she lives (and works with my husband) in to meet her so we could talk. I asked her how everything with my husband got started… Who perused who; how it transformed from a random fling into an affair; and what he had told her about me and our marriage. I never actually HEARD her answers, but after we talked I felt a lot better.

To an extent this random dream inspired me. I am sitting here contemplating writing her a letter and asking of her the questions which my husband refuses to answer. Who knows, maybe one of these days I actually will.

God’s Plan

I love my class this year! Believe it or not, this is not always the case. Sure, I always like them but some years we just click more than others. So, it says a lot when I tell you that I can say without a doubt, aside from the class I had my very first year of teaching, this group is my favorite hands down! Not a day goes by that one of my first graders does not hug me, tell me they love me, or tell me how pretty I am. They are such amazing little self-esteem boosters and they don’t even know it! My group this year is far more innocent than I have had in the past – they truly believe that our Zero the Hero puppet comes alive every 10th day and they take such joy in the smallest of things – stories, songs, scented stickers, and the fact that I call them names like “punkin” and “sweetpea”. The thing about this group is they are a little needier than usual. Normally this would drive me nuts, but honestly I think it’s exactly what I needed. I truly believe that God gave me this specific group of students this year because these little six and seven-year-olds held the power to pull me out of the pit I was drowning in. As much as they love and need me, the truth is that I love and need them even more.

Silence Ensues

My husband barley speaks to me. Granted, I don’t want to hear about his evening with her; however, I would like him to at least be cordial. He no longer initiates communication, and in fact, acts as if he is in pain responding to my “hello” and “good morning”, if he even responds at all. It’s funny how I used to be annoyed with his “nothing has changed” attitude and now I am equally annoyed with this. Maybe I am just annoyed with HIM! I would like to think that he is beginning to regret the decisions he made and that explains his sudden coldness, but in truth it is more likely due to the fact that he knows the loathing I have for silent treatment and he’s trying to get under my skin.

Cosmic Foreshowing

In January 2007 I lost the center stone from my wedding ring, prongs and all. At the time, as you can imagine, I was quite distraught. After all, who ever heard of the entire head of a wedding ring falling off? Sure, diamonds fall out all of the time – but the prongs are still there! Obviously we got it fixed and my wedding set is beautifully intact; however, in retrospect I now wonder if this was some kind of weird cosmic foreshadowing. What do you think?

SASSY Song Sunday: Lucky For You by SHeDAISY

No more sappy songs! I'm changing these posts to Sassy Song Sunday! Today’s song is Lucky For You by SHeDAISY. It does a great job of explaining the gamut of emotions, both positive and negative, that I have toward my husband. Plus, the video makes me laugh every time!

The Number 23

Whenever I am asked what my favorite number is, I reply 23. I am not sure why but I have always liked it. In fact, when I was a little girl I used to say it was my “lucky number”. There was a movie that came out a few years ago called The Number 23. After my husband and I watched the movie he began to notice things in our life that were signified by the number 23, just like the main character in the movie. For example our street number plus house number adds up to the number 23. In addition, the number 23 marked important dates in our life together…

* Eight years ago today on October 23, 2001 my husband asked me to be his wife.

* 30 years and two months ago today on August 23, 1979 my husband was born.

And now, in addition to these monuments 23s I can also say that…

* Two months ago today on August 23, 2009 I found out of my husband’s infidelity.

It’s hard to believe that it’s been two months since my world exploded leaving shards of my broken life strewn about. In some ways it feels like 23 years have passed since that fateful day; although in other ways it seems like it was only 23 hours ago. Although I may have to rethink whether the number 23 is any longer my favorite number, I cannot argue with the fact that is certainly does have significance in my life.

What’s In a Name?

I have been thinking a lot over the past several weeks about if I should keep my married name or go back to my maiden name. This is a very difficult decision. My maiden name is very common; for the purposes of this post we’ll say it was “Smith” (yes, it’s really that common). My married name, on the other hand, is quite unique; for the purposes of this post we’ll say it is “Waechter” (yes, it really is that unique – no one can ever spell it correctly, and most cannot pronounce it either, but in many ways that has made it endearing).

When my husband and I got married we registered at Target and there were 46 other “Bewilderd Smiths” registered as well (no joke). I was thrilled to be changing to such a unique last name. So unique in fact, that my husband’s family is the only Waechters in the United States (the rest are in Germany and Australia). When I posed the question to one of my brothers as to which name I should go with he responded with, “Well are you really a Waechter?” To which I responded, “No, I am a Smith!” It might be nice to rid myself of my husband AND his name. On the other hand, I feel like a “Waechter” (not in my actions, but in a way that it is my name). Everything I have has the name Waechter on it – from my drivers license and social security card to my teaching license and the masters degree diploma I received in mid September. I realize all of these things can be changed; however, there is also the issue that professionally I am known only by this name and have been since my first day of teaching. I have worked in three different school district; two of which are fairly prominent in the state. This means that all of the professional connections I have made have been with the name “Waechter”. So how would I deal with this? And, if I did keep my married name would I still be called “Mrs. Waechter” or would I be “Ms. Waechter”? (Not that it would really matter anyway, as first graders will call me “Mrs.” regardless of what my last name is – they don’t understand the distinction.)

I remember how odd it used to feel when I would say my name was “Bewildered Waechter” but now it feels just as odd to say “Bewildered Smith”. In a way, both feel wrong; how can that be?

I know it ultimately has to be a decision that I make for myself. But, please give me your opinion. (I wish I knew how to set up a voting poll, but since I don’t know how – please post a comment, even if it’s just one name or the other!) If you were me would you stay with “Waechter” or go back to “Smith”?

A Little Bit Like Me

I have been very unlike myself over the past two months, to the point where I have wondered if the “old me” would ever come back. My mom told me that parts of “old me” would come back, but that I may not ever be exactly the same and that was okay. Well last night a little bit of the “old me” came back. I love autumn and decorate my house both inside and out for the season. My friends and family have been encouraging me to decorate this year, but honestly I haven’t much felt like it. Well, yesterday after work something came over me. I stopped and bought pumpkins, gourds, and a mum and decorated the front stoop, just as I always have. I even got out a few of my decorations and put those out too. I didn’t go all-out and decorate inside the house, but what I did outside felt good. I actually felt a little bit like me.

Haunting My Dreams

Every night I dream about her. The dreams are never the same, but she is always present in one way or another. In the most recent dream I was confronting her about the affair she is having with my husband. We were having a heated argument in the driveway of my parent’s home and I grabbed her hair. As I pulled her hair, her face began to contort as if it were made of Silly Putty. I kept pulling and pulling until her face was just a blob. Then I woke up.

If only real life could mimic dreams.

Sappy Song Sunday: How Could You by Saliva

Today’s song is How Could You by Saliva. It has become one of my favorites; I listen to it every morning on my way to work. It expresses the big question that I can’t let go of: How could my husband have done this? I know these were choices he made and they are his, not mine, to own. However, I can’t understand. I can’t understand what lead to this; I can’t understand the lies; I can’t understand why he didn’t communicate his unhappiness rather than take the path that he chose. I can't understand what role I played in causing this situation. I can’t understand WHY he did this, hence I keep asking the same questions again and again to no avail and without these answers I am not sure how to move on.





(Side note, my apologies for the weird video. It was between this, a live version where you could majorly hear someone from the audience singing, or one which was a movie trailer for Surrogates... tough choice!)

What Happens to the Friends?

Divorce is all about splitting things up. The couple splits and then they divide everything down the middle… assets, debts, home furnishings – the list goes on and on. But what happens to the friends? I don’t mean the friends that distinctly “belong” to one person or the other, but those who are friends of the couple. It’s like a multiple choice quiz:

a) Do you barter for the friends… “I’ll give you A and B if I can have C and D?”

b) Do you each plead your case (i.e. “He committed adultery, I did not.”) and then force the friends to choose between the two of you?

c) Does everyone stay friends and then in doing so the two of you agree to “alternating weekends” with said friends?

d) By divorcing have you each forfeited any and all relationships with the above mentioned friends?

So what’s the answer?

Let Them Go

While searching the internet recently, I stumbled upon this. I believe wholeheartedly in what this author has written, but for some reason I am struggling with embracing these words for myself. Sometimes I think I should print it off and read it to myself daily (sometimes several times a day).

"Let Them Go"
By T. D. Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you, let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean, hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you, let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody who left.

The Bible said that they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go!

It doesn't mean that they are a bad person; it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when peoples' part in your story is over
so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift. I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.

Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!

Regret

Regret is like the evil cousin of worry – both are my friends. My husband and I used to joke that if I had nothing to worry about, I would worry about that. I have been doing a lot of worrying lately – worrying about the present and the future. I have also been full of regret, hearing all of these “what ifs” run through my mind…

* What if I had said no when my husband asked me to marry him?

* What if I would have taken my dad up on the offer when, jokingly before he and I walked down the aisle, he nodded toward the door and told me we could still leave?

* What if my husband had gotten a job rather than going to graduate school after we were married? Where would we have ended up?

* What if we had never moved here?

* What if we would have had children?

* What if I hadn’t been working toward my masters for the past two years?

* What if I hadn’t spent so much time at work and/or doing “school stuff”?

* What if my husband would have talked to me about his feelings of unhappiness or discontentedness?

* What if my husband had never met her?

* What if I had gone with him to the luau party where they first kissed?

* What if I had been better at whatever it is he is looking for… a better house keeper, a better cook, smarter, dumber, thinner, fatter, prettier, uglier – the list goes on and on (can you tell I worry about this one A LOT!?)

* What if I would have seen signs of his relationship with her?

* What if I had never found out about his affair?

* What if I had not insisted that he see a therapist sooner rather than later and he hadn’t canceled his original appointment with another therapist to see Dr. Frog?

* What if, when I filed for divorce, I would have asked for court mandated counseling?

* What if he could just give me answers as to WHY this happened? Would I be better able to move on?


What if, What if, What if. I cannot stand these questions full of regret. I want these questions to leave me alone. Yet they don’t because I can’t stop asking them. I cannot stop feeling full of regret.

Getin’ Some New Bling

Last night my watch battery died. This was ironic because of the story behind my watch… My husband had been planning to propose (unbeknownst to me) on our one year anniversary of dating. When he picked out the ring he made some changes, like switching the center stone from a round to a princess cut diamond. When he went to pick up the ring it wasn’t ready and wouldn’t be ready in time for our anniversary. He haggled with the jeweler and ended up getting a Bulova watch for free, which he gave to me on our anniversary rather than the ring. I wear the watch every day and have never once replaced the battery in eight years. Funny now that my marriage has “died” so has the watch battery!

I took the watch into a jewelry store today after work and while they were changing the battery I asked one of the sales girls if they every bought back wedding sets. She explained that they have an exchange program where individuals can “trade” their sets in and get credit toward newer/better sets. To this I responded, “Oh, well we’re getting a divorce so there would be no need for that.” She then started laughing and said, “Oh! well yes, bring your set in. You could get a beautiful right hand ring or diamond earrings, whatever you’d like!” So, needless to say, I’m going to get myself some new bling! Anyone want to go shopping?

Moving On Via the Humor Train

I have heard numerous times (well before I myself was in this situation) that individuals going through divorce experience stages of grief, just as someone who is dealing with a death. This makes a lot of sense. I am grieving the loss of my husband, just not in a mortal sense; I am also grieving the loss of our marriage. A little known fact is that there are several different models for the stages of grief, ranging from three to seven stages. The most well known model for the stages of grief is that of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, which was detailed in her book On Death and Dying.

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

The thing about these stages is that they are generally not sequential, but rather circular. Every person moves through the stages of grief at their own pace – people can get “stuck” in stages and others can move back and forth between them. The point of this is that everyone deals with grief in their own way and no one way is right or wrong.

I am primarily dealing with my situation through humor (and with wine… which is from God; thanks to my friend Anita who brought this to my attention!!) That doesn’t mean that I don’t hurt, that I don’t cry, or that I am not trying to “get over it”. But quite simply, “getting over it” is a process and it is much easier said than done. I have been hurt deeply, but I can no longer wallow in a pit of despair. I am not making light of events that have happened or empowering my husband by fixating on what has transpired and poking fun at him, her, or the totality of the situation. The majority of you understand this, but a few of you do not. I make no apologies for this. No one can judge me or tell me how to deal with this until they have walked in my shoes. Truly I pray that none of you will walk in these shoes; however, until you do don’t tell me how I should handle this. What works for you may not be what works for me and, quite honestly if you asked me how I would handle this situation before I was in it, I would have told you something entirely different than what I am actually doing. Don’t tell me that what I am doing is wrong or that it is “juvenile” or that I have to stop doing something. This is what it is, as crappy as it may be, and this is how I can best handle it. THANK YOU to those of you who understand this and who support me – you are truly wonderful and I love you and your support more than you know!

Sappy Song Sunday: So What by P!nk

Today’s not-so-sappy song is So What by P!nk. This is an awesome kick-butt song! I love it so much that it’s the new ringtone on my cell phone. The words rock and the “official video” (which this one is not) is so funny; I highly recommend you check it out on You Tube!

We Got That Cubs Fan Out!

As anyone who knows my family can attest to, we are diehard St. Louis Cardinals fans. However, my husband was not; he was a Cubs fan. Needless to say, my family always enjoyed giving him some good-natured ribbing about this. Several weeks ago my grandmother made the comment, “Well, all I can say is at least we got that Cubs fan out of our family!” So, as a throw back to the signs my brothers used to make to take to Cardinals games when we were younger, my brother Chase and I made this sign…

Change

I have mentioned many times that I believe everything happens for a reason but that I cannot find the reason in this. I know that eventually I will understand all of this and I will be thankful for what has transpired, even if the thought of this seems impossible right now. I came across a great quote on another blog that I frequent which speaks to this:

“Typically, change is neither comfortable nor pleasant. However, when the change is due to a purifying or refining process, we can rest assured that the outcome of the process will be better in the end.”
– Brady Sullivan (http://bandssullivan.blogspot.com)

No Longer Naïve

I think I am starting to hate my husband. Not just the kind of hate like “I hate broccoli” or “I hate Monday”, but real true hate. I have had some sort of come to Jesus moment – I have realized how manipulative and dishonest he truly is. He plays a good “Mr. Nice Guy” game, but it’s all an act. Everything he says or does has an ulterior motive and I am starting to think this has been the case for some time. I don’t trust him and I know that he is only looking out for himself. It makes me sad thinking about the person he used to be and the choices he made on his way to becoming the man he now is. However those are not my issues. He did not consider me in the decisions he made along the way in getting to this point and I no longer need to consider him in the decisions which I make either. I am done. I am no longer naïve.

I Wonder What’s Up

I yelled at my husband on Sunday night about the fact that his second-hand smoke stench has permeated the guest room and is now wafting through the house. I told him it was disgusting. Consequently, he began giving me the silent treatment (which he knows is one thing that I cannot stand!) I felt bad, not because of my actions because I DO think he deserved to be yelled at, but because I could and should have handled the situation differently. I would not want him speaking to me that way, so I shouldn’t be speaking to him like that either. So, I sent him an email explaining that my concern about the smokey odor involved selling our house and the fact that the vast majority of potential buyers would not be interested in a house that reeked of smoke. I reminded him of a former neighbor we had when we lived in a duplex after we first got married – we hated the smoke smell that wafted into our house from hers.

Well the email I sent must have worked because last night he got home early (5:30 rather than what has been 10:00 or after). He washed all of his dirty clothes, aired out the guest bedroom, and told me he would put a clothes basket and some shorts and shirts downstairs or in the garage so that when he came home and was smokey he could change into different clothes before moving about the house. I was shocked - we'll see if he actually follows through.

Then to top it all off we ate the same thing at dinner last night (haven’t done that for several weeks now) and he poured my milk for me (something he always used to do.) He helped me unloaded the dishwasher and then he put the towels in the washing machine for me. He went to bed at 8:30 because he was really tired and I told him I was going to go up soon as well. He said, "Well if the towels aren't done yet when you go to bed I can put them in the dryer in the morning." It was all very odd, it's like he has suddenly morphed into a kind and caring person. Is it a ruse? Of course it is! I wonder what he is up to.

Playing House (part 2)

In an earlier post I mentioned that my husband is playing house with her. In a sense, he is also playing house with me but just in a different way. He is acting as though everything is fine and that we can happily co-exist in this new kind of normal. I always just assumed that when people were getting a divorce one person moved out of the house, but sadly I guess that is not always the case. Many of you have asked why we have to live in the same house or why I don’t just kick him out. My state has only no-fault divorce laws. If either of us moves out the other spouse gets temporary possession of the house and the other one still has to pay “maintenance” (i.e. contribute to the bills). I really don’t see why this would be a big deal for him, considering that he could live with her for free. I asked him about this last weekend, questioning why he couldn’t just stay with her and he gave me some crap about the fact that he didn’t realize it bothered me. Truly, if he had any decency at all he would leave the house (considering he is the one at fault – he is the adulterer), but clearly he has proven that he is not a decent guy. So, I guess until everything is final he and I will proceed with this charade – our own version of playing house… let the game continue.

Sappy Song Sunday: What Hurts the Most by Rascal Flatts

Over the past few weeks several friends and I have noticed all of the songs that can be applied to my situation – the number is pretty staggering, actually! Some of the songs are heartbreaking (like Broken that I posted on August 29th) and others are simply kick-butt man hating ones (like Cheater Cheater that I posted on September 6th). As I have mentioned, I find music very moving and because of this I have decided to give these songs their own special posts. So, I give you the very first edition of Sappy Song Sunday; although, I promise not all of the song will be actually be sappy. (The one downfall is that the videos are so cool, but I can’t get those to post so I have to find versions that do not have embedding disabled. If anyone knows the “trick” around this, please let me know!)

Today’s song is What Hurts the Most by Rascal Flatts. This one really hits home for me as the words describe everything that I feel. The one thing that has been so impossible for me to comprehend is how my husband could walk away from our seven year marriage without even a second thought.

The Breakdown

My no crying streak has come to an end. This was to be a great weekend - spending time with two of my dearest friends and also going to my husband’s nephews 5th birthday party (without my husband of course, as he has had nothing to do with his family since this all began.) I had been very excited about this all week. However, I hadn’t considered how emotional I would be doing these things for the first time without him. Last night it was difficult seeing our friends without him and then I woke up this morning full of anxiety about seeing my husband’s family later today. I called my mother-in-law and sobbed. I explained that I thought I could do this, that I wanted to do this, but that I just didn’t know if I could. She told me it was okay, that they supported me and wanted to see me too, but that I had to do what was best for me. She told me she thought my emotions were probably too raw to see all of them just yet, and I guess she was right. It’s odd because I want to see his parents and brother and his family more than anything, as they have all been such a comfort to me over the past month, yet the thought of doing so is also terrifying. It makes it all too real. I am bewildered by all of the emotions I am going through and how they can change on a dime simply by hearing my husband’s name or seeing something that reminds me of him. I wish there was a manual for how to deal with this shit-storm that is my life!

Playing House

She and my husband are playing house. Wednesday night he did not get home until just after ten o’clock. I knew he’d been at her house even before it came up, simply because he walked in the door reeking to high heaven of cigarette smoke. He then began rummaging around in the kitchen and I said, “Did you not eat dinner?” To which he responded, “Oh yah, we had Hamburger Helper and then watched a movie.” Last night he came home even later. It’s like this is his new “normal” – working, spending quality time with her and her child, coming home to our house and making small talk with me as if nothing has changed, and then going to bed in the guest room. It’s strange how he can act so normal in this situation which is anything but. A friend of mine pointed out that it’s because this is his normal – he was doing all of these things well before August 23rd, the only difference is that now I know and back then I didn’t. She said he is probably happier now because everything is out in the open, not to mention the fact that everything in his relationship with her is in the “new” and “exciting” stage. It makes me sick – truly, I feel nauseous.

Breathlessly Still and Spinning Out of Control

When all of this began I remember thinking that if August would just end and we could get to September everything would be okay. Little did I know then that September would be far worse than August had been. Now here we are, October 1st. It’s my favorite month - my favorite season, and all I want is for things to go back to a way which they will never be again. I wonder what this new month will bring. It’s strange how I feel that my life is standing breathlessly still and also spinning wildly out of control all at the same time.