Today I had a breakdown ~ my first in a very, very long time…
After school we had a baby shower for a coworker who is expecting her first child. As I sat there, watching her open her gifts, seeing our colleagues cut off pieces of string to match the size of her baby belly, and hearing that she and her hubby have chosen “my” baby name as the middle name for their new baby girl, an overwhelming feeling of sadness came over me. I actually had to get up and leave the room. I walked into my own classroom and sobbed, and the funny thing is I am not even sure why. When this ordeal began, I worried that I would never get remarried - that I would never have kids. If I still felt that way, my tears would make since; however, I honestly no longer have those worries. I am so happy about where my life is and the path that I am on and truly would hate to live out the dreams of babies and forever with Soon-To-Be Mr. Ex; yet that didn’t stop the tears from flowing. As I stood in my classroom crying, in walked my wonderful teammate (shout-out to you, Jan) who had left the shower to come check on me. As I hugged her, sobbing and babbling about how stupid I felt about crying she explained that I was going to have moments like this now that “the end” is near and that it was okay. As I think about it, I know she is right. Although I am so ready to close this chapter of my life, it’s odd to think that it will be over soon.
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The hardest part I believe about the end of a relationship is giving up those dreams with that person whether they were good or bad to you. The dreams are still yours. I believe in dreaming new dreams when you get down about one you thought were so close to coming true.
ReplyDeleteoh Hun!!! I can completely understand how and why you were crying. Liking the previous post too though.. we need to chat soon. Love you! Al
ReplyDeleteI felt so sad when I read this post, because I can relate the pain of losing not only a person, but all the hopes and dreams you had made together or at least that's what you thought. Letting go of those is difficult....but you will one day be able to have new hopes and dreams with someone else. And sometimes certain things trigger emotions that you didn't know were there about certain dreams and expectations you'd forgotten you had.
ReplyDeleteI was with a friend the day she finalized her divorce....she just came to work as usual, walked over to the courthouse for only a very short time and when she came back....fully aware that it was a good thing to have behind her....she fell apart. All the tensions, the dreams, the doubts and fears came pouring out, one last time for her. I'm sure your reaction is much of the same....mourning a little bit for the dreams that are altered, and that's okay. As you've said many times, you didn't envision or expect this detour in your journey, but you've already accepted that you have a bright and wonderful future. Sometimes you just have to release the build-up that comes from so much stress and distress!! So glad you have good friends to give you that hug and help you when you need it!! Love you Blm Mom#2
ReplyDeleteYou once said to me that you believe things happen for a reason. Although it's not always easy to figure out what that reason is...there is a reason. Life will continue to be full of the sweetest moments, along with difficult ones. Thinking of you...and wishing you lots of sweet moments!!
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